


Gwendoline's Diary

by Sabina7



Series: Nikolaj and Gwendoline - His & Hers [1]
Category: Game of Thrones (TV), Game of Thrones RPF
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/M, Love, Romance, Secret Crush, Workplace, Workplace crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:15:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24477787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sabina7/pseuds/Sabina7
Summary: Gwendoline Christie starts a diary on her first day of Game of Thrones.
Relationships: Gwendoline Christie & Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Gwendoline Christie/Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, gwendolaj - Relationship
Series: Nikolaj and Gwendoline - His & Hers [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1797766
Comments: 44
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer:  
> This is purely fictional. I am only inspired by Gwendoline and Nikolaj, two beautiful people who show so much chemistry in their interactions.
> 
> Some of the writing is based on their interviews, others on my own vivid imagination so don’t expect accurate facts. I just went with the flow so please don’t take offence if you have more accurate information. 
> 
> Hope you will like it.
> 
> I am looking forward to reading your comments. This is my first fanfic, I welcome feedback but please be gentle.

Day one  


Early morning  


New me, new diary. I just realised it’s been years since I had a diary like this but I feel I need it now. I really do! I need a way to channel my feelings and express my most inner thoughts. So much has been happening in my life over the past few months, I could say that I feel overwhelmed but in a blissful way! A few months ago, fans have been reaching out on social media to tell me I would be perfect for the role of Brienne of Tarth in Game of Thrones, the TV series adaptation of the George RR Martin’s books. I can't say I was familiar with his work but I bought the books and to be honest, I couldn't put them down. I fell in love with Brienne!!! I truly admire her strength, her determination and ability to break preconceptions, her honesty and sense of duty. Note to self: Fans are always right! They know me so well! I wished I would have met her for real. Even more, I wished I was her! So I did everything in my power to get the role. Dear diary, you know that when I put my mind to something, I don’t stop until I get it!!! So I prepared, I trained and I auditioned and guess what? I got the role! It wasn't easy, I put in a lot of work and I had no guarantees but it was all worth it in the end! Sometimes we all have to take a risk and give it all. Today it’s my first day on set!!!! OMG! I know!!! I haven’t slept even a bit. I’m so ecstatic! Today I am going to meet my colleagues and the main actor I would be working with, Nikolaj, who plays Jaime Lannister. I must confess, after I got my role, having read the script, I did a bit of research on him. He’s been an actor since '94! I was 16 then. LOL He is eight years older so he had a head start. He’s Danish but he’s been doing theatre at the beginning and then films and a few tv series. I realised I actually watched a few of his films. But did not associate his previous work with my future castmate. I only clicked later. He works in the UK and US. He still lives in Denmark and does Danish projects as well. That is impressive on its own. He’s quite a good actor. You can tell he’s very experienced. I do hope we will get on well. The bonus is that he’s quite easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean ;) 

Later that evening  


Oh, God! What a day! I went in bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and came back worn out and tattered. After walking around the set and meeting everyone, I eventually was shown to the makeup trailer that Nikolaj was in. I was quite nervous. I go and say “Hi Nikolaj, nice to meet you, I’ll be playing Brienne”… and he replies” And?....” looks at me up and down, turns around and continues to text. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau is such an insufferable person! Such arrogance! Such insolence! No one has ever treated me like this! He’s taking method acting to the next level. I can’t believe I’m meant to spend the whole season 3 with him walking around Northern Ireland! Please help me God so I don’t kill him on the way! At least we won’t have to pretend that we hate each other! Gwendoline, take a deep breath in 1, 2, 3, 4, hold, 1, 2 3, 4 and release 1, 2, 3, 4... I have a feeling I’ll have to do a lot of deep breathing in the near future...

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few days later

The shooting schedule is absolutely draconic. We just finished now. The costume is so uncomfortable. It feels like wearing a car. It’s so heavy, I don’t need to try hard to look like a butch, the costume weights me down so badly, it’s hardly any effort, except for the effort to actually wear it!!!. I’m blabbering. I don’t care. I’m done, for now, I am having a nightcap, or better said, a few... I need to relax and actually sleep. I’ve reached that point when you’re so tired you can’t think straight but you’re so hyper that you can’t fall asleep. Only having a drink helps in this case. I’m impressed I am actually typing in English and not inventing a new language like Dothraki. Oh, aren’t I funny when I’m tipsy? I have only a few more weeks and I’m done with this. I only joined midway through the 2nd season of the series and I only had a few scenes to shoot. I started getting to know my colleagues. They are such beautiful people and so kind, sweet and fun, that’s except Nikolaj who is either organising going out for drinks or texting his family. He remains a pain in the ass. What infuriates me the most is that he is gorgeous. Why do beautiful men have to be so vain and arrogant? Is that what they teach them in hunk school? He really pisses me off all the time and we haven’t even had any scenes together. I spoke to Nina, the casting director about this and you know what she said? “That’s exactly what we were looking for! It turned out better than we expected”!!! WTF!!! Is she serious? So they were hoping that I would get verbally abused and tormented by this man? I need to ask for a pay raise for poor working conditions. Thinking about it, I could add catering to my list of grievances, oh, and the coffee!! LOL  


Today I had a revelation! We were talking about star signs and Nikolaj is a Leo! That explains the arrogance and vanity. Hear Me Roar, the words of the House of Lannister. How fitting! He’s perfect for the role. Such a typical egomaniac Leo! And such a flirt with all the cast, well except me, of course. I noticed how every woman melts when he looks at them and he knows it very well. The actress playing Catelyn Stark has a huge crush on him and she’s not hiding it. He seems to love the attention and encourages it.  
A Leo! That explains why I can’t stand him! Scorpio and Leo are like oil and water! Now that I have an explanation, I can go to sleep. Goodnight diary!


	2. The first scenes together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwendoline Christie started a diary on her first day of Game of Thrones. Now she started working with Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and she is angry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really happy you are enjoying my idea of the diary. I hope you will like the rest of it just as much!
> 
> I feel that I should specify that I am presenting Nikolaj in a negative light at the moment. Actually, he is my favourite between the two of them, but I am biased. I am having fun describing how someone might perceive a Leo personality as myself am not only a Leo but also born on the same day. I recognise the impulsivity, perfectionism, bossiness and moodiness I have myself. So don't be upset about how Gwen is writing about him at this stage. Things are likely to change... fingers crossed.

Dear diary, 

I am extremely angry today. I need to blow off some steam. It’s been a build-up over the past few weeks. It started when I had to come back to Belfast for the table read and rehearsals. During the first day back, I was talking to the others when he, the King of the planet, Mr Nikolaj C-W came charging in… “Gwen, we need to go and rehearse now”. I didn’t even get a chance to say I had something else to do first when he barked “I hope you’re not going to be difficult about this!” Oh, My God!!! I can’t believe this man! Everything has to be on his terms. 

The rehearsals went ok, I have so much to learn. It’s so different shooting for TV than acting live on stage. I focus on the learning experience in itself and the time truly just flew by! I know, I know, what a cliché, but it is real!  
When we started shooting again, Nikolaj had the audacity to come to me with a pathetic excuse for an apology. “I apologise for all the horrendous things Jaime is going to say this season, you must know that I personally do not mean anything and you should not take it to heart”. I couldn’t believe it! I can’t help but find that patronising. What an ass! I was tempted to say something along the lines of "I can’t help but wonder what about in-between the scenes and after work?" or "Too little, too late!" however, I give myself a pat on the back I was inspired enough to come up with a “You know nothing, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau!” said in my best Scottish accent. It took him by surprise, should have seen his face! Hahahahaha! I quite liked that line before, but now I definitely love it! What’s his motto? Treat them mean, keep them keen?? Or did he think he can sweet talk me like he does with all the other ladies? I don’t appreciate this Mercurial shit. Am I to take it that he feels remorse about how he is treating me? He has not said a single nice thing to me since we first met. He is hiding his unpleasant personality under the pretence he is all method and that he is working on his character. He is supposedly nurturing the dislike required in the interactions between Jaime and Brienne. Ha! Is he for real? Well, my not so dear Nikolaj, I won’t make it easy for you! I can give just as much as I get, you can be certain of that!

The first Brienne meets Jaime scene has Catelyn Stark present there. As I mentioned before, Michelle has a crush on Nikolaj. I must confess that I found that partly sickening, partly liberating. She kept him entertained and distracted, she acted as a buffer between us. Now, it’s just me and him. There are a few extras but no one is in for too long so I have to put up with the man myself. On the plus side, I am spared witnessing their flirting. Michelle had it really bad for him. I feel sorry for her. I’m glad I’m not feeling like that. I never will. I’m immune to his charm. Yes, he is handsome but that’s all. Nothing more going for him and that is not attractive to me.  
We’ve been working on the scenes when Brienne helps Jaime escape or better said when she was charged with escorting him in the view of a prisoner exchange. One annoying man in exchange for two precious girls. Not a fair rate, but desperate times demand desperate measures. I like the Catelyn character. During this journey, I get to push Nikolaj around quite a bit, sometimes through bushes. I must say that is quite satisfying, to say the least. He is my prisoner and I get to act the brute he says Brienne is and I am relishing every second of that. Jaime is arrogant and tries to get to Brienne by finding out her weaknesses but she keeps a cool head and appears unaffected by his attempts to unbalance her. 

Nikolaj continues to be just as nasty during our brakes as he is during filming. There goes the “I’m sorry for the lines” pathetic line. I find it odd that he’s nice to everyone else. He’s the soul of each get-together, the networker on one hand and he continues to treat me like trash on the other hand. I noticed that sometimes he has a smile on his face and a glimmer in his eyes but as soon as he sees me, that goes away and he just starts shouting abuse at me as soon as I walk in or he just ignores me altogether. I even heard him telling the director “I can’t stand this woman near me”. He did it on purpose, he knew I could hear him. He is so rude! Argh!!! In a way, he reminds me of the bullies from school. I try not to let this get to me but to be honest, all this verbal abuse, all day long is not an easy thing to swallow. Lines like "You're much uglier in the daylight", “You’re as boring as you are ugly” alongside all the other ones about being tall, undesirable or about Brienne's sexual orientation would be hard to hear at best of times. But I am not going to let him win. I am channelling my inner Brienne: her strength and determination. I will come out on the other side of this even better than she does. I am looking after myself. I try my best to relax in my room after work. I have been taking long baths and having a glass of wine and listening to music apparently too loudly, as reported by my next-door neighbour. LOL 

I can’t believe this diary is turning into a Nikolaj’s diary instead of Gwen’s diary. It sounds sad but this is my only outlet. Firstly, I can’t talk about this with anyone at work. I want to do the job and do my very best. I do not want to complain. I am so grateful for this opportunity and I want to make the most of it. Secondly, I can’t tell my close friends or family about this because they will worry about me. I can’t have them worrying that an asshole shouts abuse at me all day long. They’ll see it on TV soon enough. Furthermore, I am not allowed to say anything about the script and the easier way is just not to talk about work at all so I don’t let slip anything I shouldn’t. I suspect that mum will probably not enjoy watching GoT. I believe it is too grotesque for her but she is so supportive she will watch it just for me. I, personally, quite like how graphic it is, not necessarily the violence, but the hot sex scenes, but hey, I get where mum is coming from on this one. I must remember to tell her that it looks far worse on the TV than it is when we film the gory scenes.

Going back to Nikolaj, we were doing a scene where I had to get him into a longboat and steer the boat downriver. Picture me having to get into a boat while wearing a car, literally. I was struggling to balance stepping into a rocking boat and after that, I had to paddle myself, in full armour! That is not all... I was given a wetsuit to wear under the armour “for safety reasons”. Bless them, I know they meant well but they didn't get my size right. The wetsuit was too small and it was a nuisance more than anything. I was in agony the whole day from the bloody wetsuit compressing my spine. I had lessons on how to manoeuvre the boat but the pain, the weight of the costume and the mere sight of that insufferable man made me forget all I had learned. You could say I didn't do my best of sailing the longboat. All I wanted to do was scream!!! While I was experiencing all this, I received no sympathy from my fellow castmate. He was too self-centred to even notice my discomfort. He kept going on about me having to hurry up because he had a plane to catch for his daughter’s bday. How selfish of him! Yeah, he’s married and has 2 daughters (Philippa and Safina, how ironic, Philippa like my middle name!). Anyway, he flies to and from Denmark all the time, occasionally they come over. I’ve never met them and never intend to. I see them as appendixes to an annoyingly egotistical man, by proxy they can only be just as annoying like he is. To a certain extent, I feel sorry for his daughters. He’s messing them up. They are growing up with a mostly absent father. I hope he gets paid enough to be able to pay for therapy for them! Hmmm, I wonder if he is different at home. He is making an effort to go home for one day only just for a little girl’s bday so I guess that’s a good sign! Maybe he’s just riddled with guilt and that’s why! Who knows? Who cares? To me, he is an asshole and that’s all that matters. I’m not going to find excuses for his behaviour!

To be honest, work is not all bad. I know it doesn’t sound like it but I am having a lot of fun too. It’s just that here I feel free to rant. The team is great, very supportive. Some of the actors are theatre new grads and this is their first big break and there is a palpable feeling of camaraderie. Everyone is just trying to do the best job they can and be nice with everyone, even to the undeserving ones. For instance, the other day, it was NCW’s bday and when the crew found out, they managed to find a cupcake and a candle at very short notice and everyone sang him Happy Birthday. He was tied up to a tree at that time which made it hilarious! I only pretended to sing and couldn't stop laughing. I have a feeling there are going to be lots of laughs on this job! I’ll make sure to remember to enjoy the little things and not allow myself to get swallowed by the negativity black hole that is NCW’s behaviour towards me.

Most of the crew and extras are local but there are quite a few of us who have been displaced, just like me, and who are based at the hotel I am staying at. We made a habit that every day after work, we have a meal together and a few drinks. The food is delicious and the drinks are cheaper than in London. It’s fun getting to know everyone. 

I must say that on some days I envy the part of the cast who get to spend their time in Spain and Croatia, I guess they got the better deal but I am not complaining. I could be in Iceland with Kit and Rose and, freeze my derriere off. Northern Ireland is beautiful. I am grateful for being here even if it rains too much for my own taste. Belfast is such a small city but it is lovely nonetheless, everything is so close. I miss London, but I’m glad everything is so compact here. My work this season we will be mostly outdoors and we will be travelling through the countryside. I am looking forward to exploring more of the area. I will be a tourist and get paid in the process.

I think that's all for now. I feel better already Dear Diary, thank you and goodnight!


	3. Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwen started a diary on her first day on filming GoT. She is still angry but has made a coping strategy and has started noticing some slight changes.

Dear Diary,

Have I told you that my first ever scene in GoT was a swordfight? OK, I admit, I do have a stunt person for the difficult or dangerous stuff but it’s me most of the time. It is such a surreal experience to watch yourself on the telly. I had an out-of-body experience watching myself for the first time. I could not believe my eyes it was me on the screen sword fighting in full armour. I will always cherish that memory.

They scripted another major swordfight for me this season. It takes place on a bridge and it’s between Brienne and Jaime when he manages to steal one of her swords and challenges her. This scene is probably 100 times more complex and taxing than my first fight scene. All this fighting does not come naturally to me, which to some is surprising in a way, apparently due to my physique. I don’t get it. Even my trainers were initially surprised by how untalented I am at this and they are the experts, at the top of their game. They expected someone of my stature to have some minimal fighting instincts. I had to remind them that I’m a model and I’m too girly for this stuff. I can pull off extravagant outfits and high heels any time of the day without breaking a sweat but I have to work hard for any physically challenging scenes. My trainer taught me to draw from my gymnastics training and my love of dancing and helped me see these fight scenes as choreography. All I had to do was to keep rehearsing until I nailed it. I trained and trained and trained and trained again. It took weeks to get ready for the practice sessions with NCW and until the full costume rehearsals. Learning the choreography is not only physically challenging but also mentally challenging. It is exhilarating and exhausting at the same time.

NCW has done this before and he’s very sporty so it sort of comes naturally to him and he is making sure to remind me of that every day. On top of that, the GoT Gods are on his side because he is wearing rags while I’m wearing my least favourite car. It’s not a fair fight! I never mentioned this before but I am quite impressed that they went all the way with the costumes. That is real armour, not make-believe. It’s not only heavy but it also takes a long time to don and doff. There is no Velcro or zip in sight. Going to the toilet is a nightmare. I need to ask for permission and wait for assistance to go spend a penny. How ridiculous! Now I see why the knights needed squires. 

Having spent several days in the car formerly known as my armour, I found myself to be extremely tired on the day of the shooting. With each hour passing by, I found it increasingly difficult to focus. To add to the picture, I must mention that it was chucking down with rain. Some would call it stoicism, others would call it masochism, but I didn’t mention my discomfort to anyone. I didn’t complain at all. I didn’t dare to say anything. In general, I just want to get on with the job and be cool about everything. I don’t want to be a diva. I don't want to be that sort of person. I thought I was doing a good job of hiding how uncomfortable I really was. Little did I know that Nikolaj noticed that I was struggling. Who would have thought he was paying attention to me? He spoke with the director on my behalf and requested that my armour was taken off at regular intervals to allow me to rest. I didn’t expect that of him. He surprised me and annoyed me at the same time. Who asked him to talk on my behalf? I'm not a damsel in distress or a child. I am an adult, I not only am perfectly capable to stand on my own two feet but I can also speak for myself. I don’t need him to ask people favours for me. If I wanted to complain, I would have done that myself, thank you very much! I’m not complaining of the result of his request thought. I do appreciate the additional brakes, to be honest. My muscles are thankful but that does not excuse him doing that behind my back. When I confronted him he said he did it to make sure I was not too tired so I could get the step sequence right and finish the filming quickly. He must have been late for God knows what this time. He’s like the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland… so little time so much to do, so many places to be and people to see… haha. On second thought, he might just be attempting to make himself look good in front of the director and the rest of the crew. He is raising his profile by acting as a force for justice. Who knows what’s really going through his head? All I know for sure is that he is not doing this for my sake. He’s too selfish for that. He must have an ulterior motive.

Oh, did I mention…I kicked his ass in the fight? Brienne was winning before they were interrupted! And it felt sooooooo goooooood!!!! But I was so glad when it was over! And when I thought the difficult task was done and dusted with, I was faced with another challenge: more horse riding! Another skill I need to perfect! All these first-time experiences are like a muscle which starts weak and needs training to get strong. I just need to keep working on it. Just like with the sword fighting, I had lessons prior to the rehearsals with NWC and then we shot the scenes. At one point I was tied up back to back with The Sun King, his royal highness Mr Nikolaj C-W who kept shouting “I can’t bear being this close with this woman!”. Remaining in character, huh?! That is just a reminder that he did not necessarily care about me when he asked for additional brakes out of costume, just like I was suspecting! 

Don’t you think he is starting to repeat himself? You need new material Nikolaj! This is getting old and boring! You must start trying harder and maybe explore some more creative choices of expressing your superiority and disdain for intimidating women like myself. The more I think about it, the more I believe your behaviour only shines a light on your insecurities!

I have decided to start ignoring him on purpose. There is nothing more annoying to the Sun King than being ignored. In between takes, I am spending all my time with the rest of the cast and I don’t talk to him at all. I keep acting cheerful and make jokes with everyone on set. I can tell he is irritated by that. He’s been consistently trying to provoke me with his sarcastic signature lines in the hope to see an emotional reply from me but I keep my side of the bargain and reply in the same style or I ignore him. Staying in character and being horrible to each other! Tick! Two can play this game NCW! I can be all method, as well! And I’m only getting started! 

We have a couple of emotionally charged scenes during this season. The first one is when Brienne and Jaime are both prisoners and the captors try to rape Brienne but Jaime tells them a lie to save her, then thinking he has the upper hand, he manages to piss off the sadistic leader who chops off Jaime’s dominant hand. I was expecting it to be a looooooooong day on set! Even the day before I could imagine all the moaning I would hear from this annoying pretty boy. He’s not a man, even if he’s in his 40s, he acts like a spoilt little brat sometimes. And, guess what? I was right! I couldn’t hear the end of the complains that day! He’s such a diva! Fuck off Nikolaj! FUCK YOU!!!! Did you hear me? FUCK YOU!!!! No, not like that! In your dreams!! I was so angry that evening that I couldn’t even bear writing about him that night. I only typed a quick note on my phone before going for a run. And you know I don’t really run. I just had so much pent up energy I had to release. At times like this, I wish I had a passionate lover waiting for me in my room at the end of the day.

The next day after that was surprisingly good. I would even venture to say it was the best day on set so far (except for me kicking his ass the other day). I had the pleasure of seeing NCW spending the whole day in a pool of mud. I suspect he had mud in all the imaginable orifices by the end of the day. But guess what? For the first time, he didn’t complain. He just remained there in the cold, wet mud. He must have been on drugs or something. He just stayed there, quiet, looking sad even between takes. The director noticed the change in his normal behaviour and was so worried about him that he even went to lay down next to him, in the mud and asked him if he was ok. NCW dismissed him in an unusually gentle way and asked to carry on and get it over with. What a change! He must be mentally unstable. Screaming his head off one day and then being a true surrendering hermit the next. Oh, don’t tell me: he’s in character! I usually love to analyse other people’s behaviours and try to identify their idiosyncrasies, their behavioural patterns but in NCW’s case, I can’t be bothered. I don’t care. 

It's late now, I have to get some sleep. Good night,Dear Diary!


	4. The Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwendoline started a diary on her first day of filming GoT. She has been venting about her interactions with Nikolaj. But now something happens and that something changes everything.

Early morning  
Today we are shooting an indoors scene. It’s lovely to be outdoors in the fresh air but it’s quite cold and it rains a lot. It’s Northern Ireland, for God’s sake, of course, it rains a lot! I will be glad to be indoors for the first time and to be wearing a dress. I will cherish every second! Oh, the thought of not wearing the car for a day! I doubt that will happen too often with Brienne. I really don’t see her sporting the latest medieval fashion in women’s clothing any time soon. I’ll be lucky if she gets a nicer armour at some point. I need to go now. My make-up it’s all done.

Late evening  
What an odd day. Today we were shooting a scene in which Brienne and Jaime are prisoners. They are sitting next to each other at a table and Jaime is negotiating with the leader trying to get them released. We are eating. Well, he is trying to. He can’t cut his steak onehanded so I stab it with my fork to hold it in place for him to cut it. Oh, how nice of Brienne, she's facilitating a disabled person to be as independent as possible. Brienne is such a beautiful soul! Myself, on the other hand, I am not that innocent. During filming, I might have imagined stabbing Nikolaj's hand a few times. It was an undeniably tempting prospect but I never went through with it. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that Princess would have made such a big deal out of it, I wouldn’t have heard the end of it for the rest of my GoT days and highly likely even in the afterlife!  


In this scene, the captor makes a threat to their safety and Brienne slowly picks up her knife in self-defence. At that point, Jaime stops her by placing his hand over hers, without even looking at her. He can see the gesture with his peripheral vision or anticipates her behaviour. He has been observing her for a long enough time to be able to predict her actions. Way to go, Jaime! You must admit, it’s quite impressive, isn’t it? But that wasn’t the point. What shocked me was the moment when Nikolaj touched my hand, I felt something like an electric shock going from my fingers, through my arm, straight to my core. You know when you press on the elevator call bell and you get an electric shock? It was something like that but not quite, this was an emotionally charged shock, it was stronger and went deeper than a physical shock. And it happened every single time Nikolaj placed his fingers on top of mine. Each minute of film is practised, rehearsed and filmed several times. The first few times I felt it, I was surprised, next, I dismissed it as being caused by the energy we’ve been playing off each other for a long time now. I can’t pinpoint the moment when I started to wonder if he felt it too. I remember thinking I heard him take a sharp breath in the first time it happened and I thought I noticed the trace of a half-smile on his face the second time but nothing else after that. That man can tell jokes or shout abuse with a straight face. You can’t read what he’s actually feeling or thinking so I don’t know whether I am imagining things or not.  
What is baffling me is that we have touched before. We literally pushed each other many a time, we had a sword fight, we rode back to back on a horse, but it never felt this way. For some curious reason, I felt something different when he touched my fingers gently. I really must stop thinking about this.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


WTF! WTF!!!!!!!! What is going on with you Miss Gwendoline Christie?! Since the touching hands incident, I became acutely aware of where he is at all times. I don’t need to look, I just feel him, even when he is at a distance and I am busy doing other things. On top of that, I started catching him looking at me when he thinks I don’t see him. This is unexpected, to say the least! What is wrong with you Gwendoline???  
Looking on the bright side, I am heading off to the airport now. We have to be in LA next week to meet Bart the Bear to complete what is expected to be my best scene of the season! I am so excited about meeting Bart but at the same time, I feel apprehensive about this newly discovered electricity between Nikolaj and me. The best part is that I have the weekend off so I’m on my way home now. I can’t wait to spend some time with mum. Oh, how much I missed her! It’s a small group of us going on this trip to LA and we are all flying out from Heathrow on the same flight. And that includes NCW. I hope they don’t sit us next to each other on the plane, 11 hours is a long time to put up with The Sun King. I’d better pack sleeping pills, just in case. 

I truly enjoyed being in London. I wish I had more time. I am so busy in Belfast that I forget all the small things I love about central London. I managed to spend some quality time with mum, did some shopping and I went out with some friends. It's been all so great and it felt like all my worries were lifted off my shoulders but as soon as I stepped into Heathrow, they landed right back on my shoulders and I started worrying about GoT in general and Nikolaj in particular.

Moreover, as soon as I reached the airport I found out the fact that my worst fear had become reality… Of course, they had us sit next to each other! You can’t escape your fears, Gwendoline! I can't help but wonder, did I manifest that?? Sitting next to him was torture! NCW is one of those people who does not sleep during flights, has lots of snacks & drinks and binges on films. He had the aisle seat and I had the window one. Luckily it was business class and not economy. My legs would not have survived otherwise! He made a point of taking the whole space of his seat. It was like he was deliberately trying to invade my space with his presence and attitude. I was extremely aware of him. I took a sleeping pill during take-off but unfortunately, it did not get the desired effect of me sleeping for 11 hours straight. I didn’t want to overdo it and take a second one. I wanted to stay sharp for shooting the next day. In hindsight, I realise that I should have slipped a couple of sleeping pills in NCW’s drink! LOL! I wish I would have thought of that then. I wonder if I would have done it. Probably not! In reality, I went for the other option of forcing myself to sleep. I managed to drift off eventually but only for about 2 hours and I woke up feeling my heart in my throat! I had a dream. I dreamed of Nikolaj!! Yeah, I know! I still can’t believe it myself!  


Nikolaj and I were sitting down next to each other on a sofa and I slightly leaned towards him. He pulled me against him and kissed me passionately for what it felt like a very long time before I pulled away and asked him “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he shrugged off his shoulders and replied nonchalantly “You’re the one who leaned into me!”. That's when I woke up. I was hyperventilating. I went to the loo and splashed some cold water on my face in an attempt to calm down. As you might imagine, I couldn’t go back to sleep at all after that. I was too terrified I would dream something along those lines again! So I did what anyone else would have done in my place, I pulled my eye mask over my eyes and pretended to sleep. This dream, cannot happen again in dreamland or in real life. This is totally unprofessional and I must make sure it does not turn into something that shouldn’t! This is just a crush. It will never go any further. He’s married for God’s sake! Get a grip of yourself, Gwendoline Christie! Make this stop! 

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This is definitely bothering me. I must make a plan to get over it as soon as possible. Not only that I found myself looking at his lips when he talked but I also noticed I started being clumsy overall. I play with my hair, I touch my lips and then I get all awkward when I realise that I am doing it. I feel weird about talking with him on my own. I am worried that he will notice if my pupils dilate... I’m glad they’ve cut my hair and I can’t play with it as much I normally would when I’m attracted to someone. Oh, God! That’s it. I’ve said it: I feel attracted to this obnoxious man. I must focus on something else now. Luckily I have the best distraction: meeting a real-life bear!

Bart the Bear is such a diva, an even bigger one that Nikolaj, the Princess. It was hilarious seeing a bear who needed applause to come out of his trailer, a huge shovel of whipped cream and lots of cheers and applause after each trick. I am grateful that D&D agreed to give me a real bear for this scene. I’m glad I insisted on this. It wasn’t me the one fighting the bear in the arena, it was the bear’s trainer wearing a copy of my dress. They have a “No wild animals near actors” policy on GoT. They did the same with the wolves they used for the Stark children. They do care about our safety after all. At least they didn’t have to worry too much about Emilia's dragons. LOL! I wish I would have been allowed to handle the bear myself even for a short time. I have to put up with a Danish Lion every day on set therefore, I can put up with any wild animal! I really loved filming this scene but it was probably one of the hardest scenes thus far. When we shot the start of the scene in Northern Ireland, it was raining, no surprise there!! But little did I suspect that they would have to duplicate the conditions in California. They had to hose me down before and during filming for continuity in editing. Never in my life have I expected to feel so cold and wet in LA. The crew was lovely and caring as they kept asking me if I was ok. I was so excited about it all so I’d always say… “Yeah, I’m fine”, and continued shivering. I don’t want to be a nuisance to the crew. Nikolaj is precious enough for both of us.

I can’t say I spent time with Nikolaj. I kept all contact to a minimum, I stayed away from him. Yes, I am aware I need to work with him so I can’t really avoid him forever but what I can do is make sure that I don’t spend time alone with him in between takes or after work at least for now, until I get over this. When we shoot we’re never alone. We’re surrounded by dozens of people. There were lots of awkward moments and it was all my damn fault. I am trying too hard to hide the fact that I am feeling attracted to him. OMG!

I am wondering whether others have noticed. I won’t say anything unless they mention it. If they do, I will tell them that we are professionals, that I am aware of the tension and that I am taking measures. Even more frightening than that is the notion of Nikolaj realising that I have a crush on him. Oh, God, please don’t let him see it. That would be so embarrassing! I don’t want to be one of those women!!! I need to stay strong. I need to keep my cool.  
I made a plan to help me cope with this:  
When he is talking to me, I will look him in the eyes, I will not look at his lips.  
I will not touch my face or hair when I am talking to him. I will make sure I always hold something in my hands to prevent that.  
I will not spend time on my own with him.  
I will stick to talking only about the script at work  
I will use closed body language and I will try to face slightly away from him when talking to him, if possible.  
I will avoid spending time with him when not absolutely necessary.  
I will talk to other castmates and crew.  
I will spend all my time with others and flirt with them.

That sounds like a good plan, doesn’t it? Dear Diary, wish me luck!  
Good night!


	5. The Bath Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter explores the internal dialogue Gwendoline might have had before and after the infamous bath scene.

The remaining days in LA went a lot better. We had less awkward moments. When we talked, I had the answers ready. When we read lines together, I tried to look down at my bit of paper, which took the focus off his lips. I have been following my plan. I was overtly friendly with everyone on set and I flirted like crazy with all the men, young and old alike. I acted indifferent to him after work. It's like I have two different settings: the partnership one - professional and serious with him and the femme fatale setting with the others. I have been spending all my free time practising on my own in view of getting things right before rehearsing with him. That way we can get things done quickly and I would have to spend less time with Princess. I was more in control and colder around him. I am proud of myself but I am dreading the next scene they scheduled for us: the bath scene. I’m glad that’s a few weeks away. I’m flying back to Belfast but NCW has to stay behind. He has stuff to do in LA and he is meeting D&D. Probably he has some complaining to do about the script which turned out to suit me just fine as I will be spared the torture of sitting next to him on the flight back as well.

The worst thing about having a workplace crush is that I can’t tell anyone. Maybe only Mum. I have been considering to mention it to Emilia or Lena next time I see them, we don't have scenes together now so it won’t be all that awkward, but I can’t. It’s so unprofessional. I should call Mum and tell her about it, maybe it will help me get it out of my system. I am even tempted to text Giles more just to distract myself from Nikolaj. We’ve been texting and calling a few times since my last trip to London. He calms me down. He’s such a good friend. I need to make sure I see him again on my next trip back home. I won’t be filming now, I’m just doing physical training in Belfast. I’m practising my sword fighting. By the end of this, I will be a professional knight! I'll add that to my CV. At the rate they kill characters in GoT, I'll be unemployed soon. I have been training hard and I’m in the best shape I have ever been. You look hot, Gwendoline! The timing of my first naked scene is perfect. In preparation for it, I have started walking around my hotel room naked just to get accustomed to being naked for a long time on set. I can do this!

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When I went to sleep last night, I was calm and confident. But I woke up around 3 am in the morning and I threw up. I don’t think it was the fish I had for dinner, I didn't even have too much to drink, I believe it’s just nerves. The thought of showing my body to Nikolaj after I discovered I have a crush on him is scary. Moreover, I have to wait a few weeks until we have to film and this is turning out to be nerve-wracking. I wish we could just do it now and get it over with. I’m worried that he will notice that I am physically attracted to him. I'm afraid my body will betray me. I will be wearing some sort of a skin-coloured skimpy swimming costume. You could call it that, I guess but it would be an understatement. There won't be much left to the imagination. That wouldn’t have been such a problem if it weren’t for Nikolaj. He is supposed to be wearing a dignity pouch, I've never seen one in real life but I know it's basically a sock over his private bits. I won’t be able to avoid seeing what I am about to see. He is a beautiful man. And he knows it. He likes to be admired. Such a Leo behaviour! It makes me sick, for real, as it seems. I suppose two things can happen on the day: I could be sick or I could be obviously horny. No matter what will happen it will be very embarrassing. But it's not only that. This is my first naked scene on screen. I did photoshoots but that is different. I will be out of my comfort zone.

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Leaving the physical attraction part aside, I wish I could talk to Nikolaj about the naked scene. He’s my scene partner and we should be able to dissect each scene and mentally prepare each other. Nikolaj has done naked scenes before and his experience could really help me get through this. His attitude towards me has pushed me away and I can’t confide in him when I need him the most. Why do you have to be such an ass, Nikolaj?

I just had a crazy thought! How about I put on my big girl knickers on and I talk to Nikolaj about this? Not about my freaking hormonal response to him but about the actual scene. He is still in LA so I could text him and ask for his advice. That doesn’t break my rules of not talking to him. This will be texting and I will only be talking about the scene. I can ask him for a few tips. It’s a relevant subject. It's not like I'm looking for reasons to contact him. I’m only asking for advice. It’s ok. I am letting him know that I am nervous about it. He is going to find out sooner or later anyway.

I could wite him something like this...Hey Nikolaj, how are you? I could use a bit of advice on the bath scene and I think you’re the best person to give it. The closer the day gets, the more anxious I become. I did lots of modelling and sometimes a bit more exposed photoshoots as well and I don't really mind it but this scene is taking it to the next level. I’m confident about the dialogue part as I practised it. Who am I kidding, I barely have any lines in it. This is your scene! I'm just an extra in your big moment. But I’m so nervous about the nakedness. I can’t sleep and I was sick this morning. I know I'm going to be fine once I'll get on set I'm just struggling with the countdown. What do you do to control your nerves the days before going on set for a naked scene and what are your best 3 tips to relax on the day?

I like this message. It's honest (well, sort of), vulnerable and strong at the same time. I guess he appreciated all that because he replied straight away. He said he thought of me this morning when he woke up. What?? Is that him flirting? I didn't dare to ask him what he was thinking of. I don't want to know. He continued saying that I have the answer to my question myself. I’ll be fine as I am prepared and I have done similar things before. He also complimented me saying that I am in good shape with all the training I’ve been doing over the past few months. Has he been checking my body out?? Oh, this might turn out to be a mistake. I shouldn’t have asked him!

He said that those scenes are always uncomfortable for everyone and that never changes so there is no need to stress myself out about it. He continued texting. He’s been positive. And questionably flirty as well. He’s distracting me from my thoughts and making me laugh.

OMG! We chatted for a while now. He stopped about 2 hours ago and texted again now. Wow, he reacted better than I expected. I guess I tickled his ego by asking for his advice. I wonder how long it will take him to turn back to his usual self and starts making me nervous again and throwing me off balance.

It’s weird. I half expected texting him would make me more anxious but it has relaxed me. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. He distracted me, made me laugh and relaxed me. He told me several times that I look good and that there is nothing to worry about. Some might say that he is flirting but I don't want to think about that. He’s boosting my confidence and that's all that matters right now. This was the longest and nicest conversation we have ever had. But I must not forget that he is still the same person who infuriates me the most. 

He told me he will be back tomorrow and that he has asked the director to meet with us the day after tomorrow to discuss the scene in detail. There he is, the demanding Princess is back! I knew it couldn’t have gone too far, she must have been just having a nap! But this time it will be in my favour as well. I don't mind it too much in this context. To be honest, he did fight my corner once before when he asked for regular breaks out of armour. He annoyed me at the time because he went behind my back. But it was a nice gesture regardless.

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The final script is very well written. It is such a great scene. Jaime’s confession is beautifully written. We discussed the scene over and over again with the director and we now know exactly what is going to happen and how. We even visited the set. The room is larger than expected. The bath itself is about 6x6 m, it's something between a jacuzzi and a small swimming pool for kids. We even discussed the water temperature. We will have bathrobes and lots of cold drinks handy. Only essential staff will be permitted on set. It's going to be an intimate affair. If at first I would have gladly skipped shooting this scene, now I have come to terms with it. Tomorrow is the big day! Drumroll! 

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Ok, so it’s done and dusted now. The day was tense, to say the least. I was nervous in the morning so I started talking to everyone to calm my nerves down. Nikolaj was in a foul mood from the moment he set foot on set. I was overtly friendly with the crew so I wouldn’t have to talk to him. I was showcasing a happy, chatty, unfocussed me. I could tell he was getting increasingly annoyed and I still did it. He kept me at heel all day and was the grumpiest I have ever seen him to be. I got told off by Princess for every single thing that I did. Was he nervous about the scene or just in a bad mood because of me? Was he jealous? Did I overdo it? Who knows? NCW has such a mercurial personality! He was so nice over the texts the other day and so supportive during the prep for the scene and now he’s a tyrant. One could say he is a maniac. He is such an infuriating person.

Nonetheless, I have to give the Lion his due praise… Nikolaj nailed his monologue. He was really good. Such an emotional scene. But that does not excuse him acting like an asshole all day. 

I was expecting to feel vulnerable being naked in the bath with him and exposing my body to him but I also expected to have a certain sense of camaraderie, that we are in this together. We are just as naked and we both show our bodies to each other, the crew and the whole world. But he went into Princess mode again and closed off. 

In the scene, Jaime collapses and Brienne catches him and I had to hold a naked Nikolaj in my arms. I was just as naked and vulnerable. The last straw was when he shouted to take my hand off his ass! It wasn’t any way near his ass. He just said that for the crew to hear! What an asshole! When they called it a day, I stormed out of the bath and grabbed my bathrobe and towel. I was planning to go back to the trailer and get changed but I realised I was too tired. I grabbed a bottle of cold water and collapsed on a bench about halfway to the door. My body felt tense and relaxed at the same time, the heat and being in the water for so long not only made my skin all wrinkly but also turned my legs to jelly. I wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. I was contemplating the option of having to be wheeled out of there when Nikolaj sat down next to me on the bench. He didn't say anything. We just sat there in silence for a very long time. The crew was packing the equipment away and I felt like floating. I wasn’t asleep but I wasn’t alert either. I don’t know how much time passed when my coma was interrupted by Nikolaj giving me a gentle shove with his shoulder: “You did a good job, Christie" he paused for effect and then added "You looked skinny but strong” and got up and started walking away. It took me a few seconds to process what he has just said but when it sunk in I started laughing. It was a nervous laugh which turned into nervous crying as soon as I stepped into my trailer.


	6. Observations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwendoline finds a confidant and explores her newfound feelings.

Dear Diary,

I've been trying to talk to Mum for a few days now but it didn't work with my crazy schedule. We kept missing each other's calls so I just texted her instead. I wrote to her about Nikolaj. It was good to take the load off. She gave me the idea to write him a letter, to say how I feel and then burn it, like a ritual of release. It sort of makes sense. I’m allowing my hormones to express themselves in order to let it go. I'm not going to burn it because I will not handwrite, I will just write it here, for posterity. I will get the change to look back at it and laugh, years from now.

Dear Nikolaj,

The day we met, you were horrible to me and you haven’t stopped since. You have done nothing than aggravate me. But something changed when we were shooting the scenes set in Harrendal. It started with the dinner scene when I am sure we had a spark and then it continued with the all-revealing bath scene when I am sure you were jealous I was talking to the other crew members. Since then, I kept thinking about this, trying to understand it. I don’t know about you, but I don't often feel a spark. On top of that, you are not the exact type of man I would get a crush on.  
Yes, you have your good points such as, you are good-looking, you work hard to improve yourself, you are not afraid of changes and challenges. You have a great sense of humour, sometimes on the sarcastic side and an occasional gentleness and an obvious naughtiness/ tease within you as well. I like that you try to stay healthy, keep fit, eat the right things, and are very sociable and friendly in general (even if not always with me in particular). You have done a lot with your life so far and you love travelling. You like to experience things. You are a perfectionist and are really intelligent, take on feedback well from the director and crew and you learn quickly. I envy your ease in learning the fighting scenes.  
On the other hand, you antagonise me every day, you are so dramatic and act like a spoiled princess most days when we are filming. You are selfish and give away a certain entitlement vibe.  
Realising I liked you came as a shock, it was most unexpected. You are older and you are married and have kids. And to be honest, in different circumstances, I would definitely try to be closer to you and maybe explore what this is. I guess I could never be closer to you than I am now spending nearly 16 hours together each day. I feel we could potentially get on really well, if only you would stop annoying me this much. But I guess that comes as part of the package. This is a love-hate sort of dynamic, just like Brienne has with Jaime. It reminds me of "I Love To Hate You" by Erasure. Correct me if I am wrong but I feel that you feel the same way.  
In an alternate universe, who knows, this might be an avenue to explore. If you were single and if you were to ask me out at the end of this project, I would probably accept to go on a date with you. But we live in this world in which you are married and you drive me crazy every single day so I will just look after myself instead and wish you well and all the best in your life. 

See you on set, you will be none the wiser for this!!!

Your silly secret admirer,

Gwendoline

It’s not fair on me to have an affair not so much for the risk on his marriage but from the risk of me getting hurt. I want to invest into a real love, not just sex. I want to be with someone who truly loves me. I want to be with someone who is available. I want kisses, cuddles, sex, chats, arguments, love, I want it all, all the time and not when his wife is not present.  
I don't want just sex. Sex is easy to find. I can have sex anytime with anyone. What I am really looking for is true love and a deep connection. Based on this sudden attraction I feel for him, he might have been an option worth exploring, in an alternate universe, but not now. I want to meet my soulmate but it’s not him. Meeting the right person at the wrong time makes them the wrong person. If it were him, he would be available and waiting to meet me. He would not be married to someone else for so long. He would be sleeping next to me every night and I would be raising his children, not someone else. My one and only is still out there, waiting for me. Where are you, my love? I am ready for you! I am such a loving, passionate person, when I fall in love, I fall deeply. I want to find that again. I know what I am looking for now. I am not making any compromises. I love myself, this is the most important thing. I am looking after myself. I am strong. This crush shall pass. I need to be strong and not tell him anything. I have loved and had my heart broken before, I have loved and I got hurt, I have loved and I have hurt others as well. The one constant in my love life has been me, the only certainty has been me being ok, getting over anything so I know that I will be ok. I will get over this.

On the other hand, not telling Nikolaj anything, is in his best interest and it is good for his family too. I don’t want Nukaka to have a reason to be jealous and I don’t want those two girls of theirs to suffer when their parents argue. I don’t want to be the woman who makes another woman cry. I don’t want to be the woman who makes little girls cry because their parents are fighting because their father was not loyal to his wedding vows. I refuse to be that woman. I want all of them to be happy as a family. Nikolaj and Nukaka have been together for so long, it would be a shame for them to end their relationship. I want to find my compatible soulmate as well. I know he is somewhere out there and I can’t waste time with a silly crush like this.

I was sort of flirting with someone I met at an exhibition I went to the other week. Who am I kidding? I flirt all the time!! LOL! That's who I am! It doesn't mean that I let things necessarily go too far but I certainly like to make inuendos and I like to flirt. I get such great joy out of it. At the exhibition, one of the artists caught my attention. The best looking one, of course. I was the best looking woman, he was the best looking man. I always like to make an entrance so he could not help himself and he came to talk to me. I smiled at him a few times after we talked. He kept glancing at me when he was talking with other people and he made sure he gave me his number before I left. I might call him. There is also Giles, I do like him a lot. I must say that there are some opportunities. There are several other men interested in me. But these are the top choices. I find them two attractive, I felt attracted to them even if I felt attracted to Nikolaj, so there is hope for me to get over this.

Yesterday Emilia asked me if I fancied Nikolaj. What a British way of asking that! Oh, I love Emilia, she reminds me of my best friend from school. I answered: „Is it that obvious?” She said it was to her. I felt relieved by her knowing this. She said Nikolaj is a nice guy. I disagreed and told her my reasons. She ignored my extended list of grievances and asked me if he liked me too. I said I did not know but that I thought so. That I felt a connection recently and then suddenly started noticing him looking at me when he thinks I don’t see him, and his obvious jealousy when I flirt with other crew members. I told her I have been very professional. „ I never doubted that, darling”, she said. I told her I would never explore this any further because he is married, plus I don’t really know if he felt the same as he didn’t say anything. "As if men are ever straightforward with the way they feel about women!" and then she added that maybe he is just showing me he liked me by pulling my pigtails just like boys in kindergarten do when they like a little girl! Hahaha! How infantile! He’s an adult! Plus, he’s too good-looking to not be a player. I do not trust him, even if he would say anything to admit he found me attractive as well.

Emilia has been teasing me gently all day today, she has even questioned Nikolaj within earshot from me. She asked him about his family and his wife, trying to gauge if he is a happily married man or if he is just pretending for the sake of the kids. Emilia has this naive notion that love overtakes any obstacles. Nikolaj was quite evasive in answering her questions but he showed her some pictures of his girls. It looks like Nikolaj likes his privacy. We have that in common. Emilia tried her best but she didn’t get too far with her inquisition but it was quite funny listening to her. I’m surprised Nikolaj didn’t pick up on what she was doing, or maybe he did because he didn’t give much away. I was giggling the whole time. Emilia’s conclusion was that I should observe Nikolaj's actions towards me and that his actions will give away if he feels the same attraction as well. She will observe him and our interaction from a distance and we will compare notes in a couple of days.  


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So I put on my Sherlock Holmes hat on and I started analysing Nikolaj. I gave myself two days to observe him and try to figure it out if he is attracted to me or if it’s just my hormones going into over-drive and reading into things that are not really there. Yesterday he sat opposite me at a table and his pupils were very dilated. Was it the lighting? I was explaining something to him. He looked fascinated and kept asking questions. Later that day we were discussing a scene with the director. I was wearing trousers and a fitted Tshirt and I had a copy of the script with my notes tucked into my back pocket. During the conversation with the director, Nikolaj reached out and pulled the scrip from my pocket casually and continued debating the scene with the director and showing him the notes I made. I found that quite an intimate gesture just like when he started googling something on my phone and giving me his phone to read an article. I also noticed that he sat with one of his feet always pointing at me. He appears to always be aware of where I am. I catch him looking around for me. At lunchtime, he addressed me in particular (which he didn't used to do at all) and when he laughed at other people’s jokes he looked at me to see if I was laughing. I caught him lingering at the end of the day like he was waiting for me. What is with this change in behaviour? It makes me question my sanity. Was I just imagining him mentally torturing me? But no, it was real. He does still put his foot in it just as often as always and infuriates me. At least that’s still there and that is a familiar feeling./p>

Today I had a look at his eyes in the morning to check how his pupils were. They were smaller. Then he really was attracted to me yesterday. OMG! I don’t want to look into this anymore. I don’t want to know what I am finding out. I’m not ready for this!

During rehearsals today, I don’t know why, he was very nervous and he messed up Jaime’s accent. Nikolaj is really good with accents. He works with a professional advisor who preps him for Jaime's British accent. Nikolaj in real life speaks with a mixture of accents sometimes he pronounces some words in a strong American accent, some in a nordic accent and then some with slight British nuances too. Nikolaj has to slow down his usual pace to get Jaime’s accent right and he was going too fast today. That has never been an issue before. Nikolaj was getting annoyed with himself for it and was turning into the Princess Monster again. I wasn’t in the scene, I was just watching, waiting for my part. But then at some point, he looked at me. I smiled and nodded and then he took a deep breath in and slowed down and got it right. I calmed him down!!! What is going on??? I’m starting to think Emilia is right!! 

This evening, after work, Nikolaj gave me advice on how to look and sound better on camera. Did he feel he owed me something? He certainly didn’t! But I didn’t complain. I’m glad of any advice and feedback, even from him. I still have so much to learn. Theatre and Tv are two worlds apart. To be honest, I can see the difference between my first scenes and how I am now. I am proud of my progress. I still have a long way to go, but I am getting there. I don’t know for how long I will remain in the show, but I will make this my Masters in Tv Series.

After dinner, I met Emilia to compare our findings. Emilia noticed during dinner that Nikolaj drank from his glass every time I drank. Nikolaj now tends to sit across from me at dinner time so he can see me. I noticed that he never sits next to me. Apparently, this evening he was looking at my lips when I was eating my curly fries. Maybe he wanted some, I told her... but she wouldn’t have any of my protests. She’s convinced Nikolaj has a crush on me as well and he has been trying to hide it. "This reminds me of secondary school!", I said but her point was proven later this evening when after dinner, all of us moved over to the pub. It's a nice one, with beautiful leather settees and armchairs. It has a cosy and intimate feel about it. Emilia and I were the last ones to arrive because of our private chat in the loo and when we got there all the seats were taken. Emilia went to sit with Kit and Rose on the two-seater they were occupying. Nikolaj was sitting on another sofa, right in the middle of it, sitting with his leg across, American style. My only option was to sit next to him or stand. No one was standing so it would have looked weird if I did so I decided to sit down next to Nikolaj expecting him to scoot over a bit to make space for me. For a brief moment, I considered telling him off but I couldn't be bothered to give him the satisfaction. I only sat on the edge of the seat, not leaning back. Nikolaj didn’t move at all. Emilia noticed and later told me she thinks he wanted me to sit close to him, he expected me to sit back in the seat, right next to him. We all chatted and made jokes as a group and were discussing how our weeks had been, we hadn't been in such a large group in a few weeks, it was great to see everyone back. When I got up to go to the loo, Nikolaj went to get himself another drink and he came back before I did and, he sat down exactly the same way, without making any more space for me. I found that childish and annoying. Why would he take up the whole space? Who does he think he is? The Sun King?? Such a selfish, selfish man! I don’t know why I even considered that I might be attracted to him! This sort of behaviour had to be punished so I chose to sit on one of the armrests of the sofa where Kit, Rose and Emilia were instead. 

After those tensed days in LA, I had started avoiding Nikolaj and ignoring him from time and it worked, the tension dissipated for a while. The temperature has raised again this week, after Emilia confronted me on this and challenged me to look more closely at him. It’s all Emilia’s fault! His eyes are really beautiful. They are a very deep blue. I like his wrinkles, I like his beard. I usually prefer a clean shave and I am not partial to long hair but he looks so sexy with long hair and a beard. Never liked facial hair. I never really got it why attractive men grow beards when they become a bit more mature. I always thought they’re trying to put off the ladies after years of feeling objectified. You know I’m thinking... Leonardo Di Caprio, Brad Pitt sort of stuff. I really don’t get it. I know some ladies prefer beards but I never actually got it. But I guess a nicely trimmed beard is better than scratchy stubble that irritates my sensitive skin. Nikolaj has to wear a beard because of the job. Same with the hair. They would probably panic if he showed up with a new haircut and shaved. I wonder what is his personal preference. Is he a lazy boy who can't be bothered to shave or is he a high maintenance sort of guy? Recently he had 2 very sexy moments when I nearly melted just like Michelle. Oh, how I used to laugh about Catelyn's crush! And now, look at me, in the same shoes! How pathetic I can be! One day when we were practising lines, the central heating was on and it was too hot, I was wearing a dress and Nikolaj was wearing jeans, a short-sleeved shirt and a vest, he unbuttoned his shirt and he looked delicious, he could have posed for a magazine right then and there. We were arguing about something, I can’t even remember about what exactly because I wasn’t really paying attention. All I could think of was that I had to keep contradicting him so I wouldn't think about how sexy he looked. Then another day, I said something funny and he threw his head back when laughing and clapped his hands. He was really cute doing that. I never noticed him doing that before. Talking about hands, I had a good look at his hands as well. He has bulging veins, probably from all the exercising he does, or he might be dehydrated, but I assume the former is the cause. He’s really fit and spends a lot of time in the gym. I’ve seen him in full display, so I can vouch for that! His hands are strong and masculine, the only ugly thing on them is his wedding band which appears each day when we are not shooting, as a reminder of the fact that this is the reality and we are not in any alternate universe, even if we do play make-believe for a living.

Good night, Dear Diary!


	7. A Farewell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> End of the season thoughts

I think Lena has noticed us as well. But she has not said anything. Lena and Nikolaj have been working together from day one. The first scene they filmed together, they were having sex and they had several other intimate scenes already. I wonder if she’s jealous and just observing us from a distance or maybe she just couldn’t care less. Emilia has been so supportive since I admitted the truth. Emilia thinks I should talk with Nikolaj about the big elephant in the room so we could get rid of it. But I can’t. I would be too embarrassed. In a way, I wish that Nikolaj says something. I know he feels the tension between us as well. His behaviour towards me has changed recently.

We had that tension to start with. We spend most of the day together, working, we got used to each other. I even got used with his Princess mode. I can tell when he's annoyed. I can tell when he's hungry or when he needs caffeine. The awkwardness between us has decreased a lot but I’m still clumsy. I can tell he admires me, I can tell he enjoys teasing me. He is still acting like an asshole occasionally and saying the wrong things but he has also started complimenting me and he even does nice little things for me, such us bringing me coffee or saves me a seat at lunch. He is trying to be kinder and more attentive to my needs.  
When we are filming, we are in sync most of the time. I must admit that the first few days after the dynamic changed I was zoning out when he was talking during our rehearsals and I found myself flirting unconsciously. Like touching my hair and my lips, looking at his lips when talking. Now that is no longer happening. I am really aware of it and I am controlling myself. I am always aware of where he is at all times and what he is doing and I purposefully ignore him for few secs until he comes to me. Now there are accidental touches, or are they on purpose? He seems to be looking for my company in between takes but I am trying to stick to my plan of keeping my distance. I have been flirting with all the other guys on set. I have been giving him a bit more of my attention than before but also have been avoiding him on purpose.

Nothing can happen between us because he is married but I find him attractive. I was afraid that more people would have noticed. But Emilia is the only one who mentioned anything. I haven’t felt this way in many years. Why am I always attracted to the wrong person? Always impossible! I guess I am a sucker for lost causes! I wish I would have met him years ago, when he was still single, then, having this type of tension and spark, we could have explored this attraction. Things would have been so different if I was free to flirt with him. I think he would be capable to support my deepest fantasies. I have some particular tastes in bed and from what I can tell, this sort of hate-love push-pull that has been igniting in our interactions on and off-screen would make a very passionate sex life. I can tell he likes to experience things and he is a tease so he would be fun in bed. It makes me think of Madonna's Human Nature. I wonder if he could keep up with me. Probably he could. When we argue, he is so stubborn and holds his own. I take great joy in arguing with him. It's mentally draining and sometimes I regret it at the end of the day but it gives me an adrenaline boost and it feels so exhilarating. Nonetheless, I sometimes doubt the existence of this mutual attraction but then I see him and I feel that tension again and I realise just how real it is. It is so thick, you could cut it with a knife. In my darkest moments, there is a negative little voice in my head telling me that there is no chance that a guy this sexy and cool and who is so popular with the ladies could feel attracted to me, he could have any woman he wanted, just like Jaime. I'm no Brienne, but I'm not a typical beauty either. 

Maybe this tension we are experiencing is not of a sexual nature. This is my first Tv series job and I love the character so much, I do not want to mess it up so of course I was very nervous. Nikolaj has a lot more experience under his belt but maybe he was nervous about working in such a big project. It is a high chance that we both bounced off each other’s nervousness. There is a change that Emilia and I misinterpreted everything.  
If Nikolaj approaches the subject, then I will be open to discuss how I feel however, I wouldn’t start the discussion myself. In a way, I wish he would say something but on the other hand, I hope he wouldn’t and it will just fade away. We don’t have to pursue it. I guess this is a lesson that even if you feel attracted to someone, it’s fine, you don’t have to follow it through. You can get past it. Exactly what I should have done with some of my previous failed relationships. Maybe this is my chance to demonstrate that I have learned my lesson from the past and not repeat the same destructive relationship patterns.  
It took me many many years to understand this: feel it, experience it and then let it go. In a way, it’s good because I was shown that I can still feel something for someone, that my heart is not frozen. There is hope for me to love someone again. I just have to meet the right person. I know that I can feel like this and I must not settle for anything less. One thing that I am absolutely sure about is that I will not act on this attraction, no matter how hard it will be. I will give Giles a chance, I must get in touch with him when I get back to London. Giles and I have many things in common, I am drawn to him and his world, I know for a fact that he is interested in me and he is single. Giles is the way to go, not Nikolaj, he is off-limits!

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And the last day of filming for this season is done and dusted. I feel a bit teary. I’m going to miss this so much. I will miss the work, the location and the people in general and even Nikolaj in particular. I think I must have developed some sort of an attachment to this hate/love dynamic.  
At the end of shooting, he complimented me for doing a good job during this season and said how much he enjoyed working with me. I find that a bit hypocritical. Has he forgotten all the arguments? Does he have Alzheimer’s? He asked me how it felt for me. Ha! Is he serious? I had to take a few seconds to think of my answer. I have such conflicting feelings about working with him. He irritates me and makes me feel vulnerable at the same time. I feel so confident with other people. I have no problem working with anyone else but with him, I get all nervous around him. I feel like I want to strangle him most of the time that’s how much he infuriates me. I wonder if he knows the nicknames that I came up with for him. Hahaha! I could have been honest with my answer but I decided to be diplomatic. I replied I loved the experience. I gave credit to the whole team as well. We walked together to our trailers and I went in without hugging him or shaking his hand, I only smiled. Yesterday I spent a long time anticipating how awkward it will be when we’ll wrap up for the season and we’ll have to say goodbye. I weighed up all the options of saying farewell. I couldn’t make up my mind between a hug, a handshake and a wave. I hug everyone but I thought it would be weird to hug Nikolaj. We never hugged before. In the end, I decided to take my cue from him. He did not reach to shake hands or for a hug. He must have felt it would have been inappropriate as well. Now there will be approximately six months until we’ll get back to film the next season. Unless they decide to kill Brienne off-screen. I would be devastated if they did that to her! I pray to God that won’t happen! 

Nikolaj must make the first step if he wants to keep in touch during our break. I can’t tell him to get in touch with me. He has my number. There is the WhatsApp group. But if he wants to make it more casual and slightly less personal, he can reach out on Twitter or Instagram. Plus he knows that I will be at the promoting events. We all have to attend as per our contracts. To be honest, I think that not seeing each other for a few months would do us good. Things could cool down and who knows we might even become friends after this. I didn’t want to drop any hints to contact me because I wanted him to make that first step towards friendship. I like to be in control and I am more than happy to tell men what I want from them but in this case, I cannot tell him what I want. He is married so he must decide if he wants to be friends with me. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he wants to get away from me and forget about all this tension between us. It might be overwhelming for him too. 

He’s so much more mellow now rather than how he was when we first met. I guess he trusts me more. I gained his trust, finally and he let his guard down a little bit. He is such a perfectionist and he has very high expectation from everyone including himself. Now he knows I am a hard worker, that I am trying my best and giving my all with Brienne.  
His body language was open towards me all day today. His pupils were dilated at several points during the day. I am convinced he likes me. I'm even starting to think that he admires me. I think I impress him every time we shoot a new scene. When he thinks he knew what I will do next, I give a bit more. I just wonder whether the tension between us was nervousness, attraction or just admiration and respect. I hated him at first, now I still hate him but I also started to like him, he has impressed me and I believe he was impressed with me as well. Maybe we just admired each other deeply, we were nervous thus, the tension. I guess a break will do us good to see if what we felt was just due to spending so much time together and developing a connection because we are very similar in many ways and also so very different in other ways. Recently we have been completing each other perfectly, we achieved a certain flow, even when fighting with each other.  
I do believe he will get in touch. Probably he’ll leave it a few days. He’ll miss me. He’ll think of me. 

Reflecting on these past few months, it’s been such a successful experience. So happy. I am very proud of myself. I started my Tv career in a very strong position. I feel so hopeful. It’s amazing what I have achieved in the past few months. Well done me! I’m starting to live at my true potential.


	8. The Phone Calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Never in a million years would have I expected a phone call like this from Nikolaj."

Dear Diary,  
Sorry I neglected you for so long. I have said before I only need you when I am angry with Nikolaj. You are my pressure outlet. Thank you for being here. LOL, I am crazy, I am „talking” to my diary just like I would talk with a friend. I hope no one reads this! 

So Dear Diary, it’s been a few months since my last confession. Haha! I went back home and I have been busy. I am now officially dating Giles and it’s great. We have so much in common, you can’t even believe it. This guy is a genius. His dresses are fabulous and he has designed some amazing pieces for me. He calls me „My Darling Muse” that’s a big step up from „Wench”. Talking about Nikolaj, he hasn’t been in touch. When we left the set that day I was pretty convinced he would keep in touch. I hoped he would but he didn’t so after a week of waiting I decided to tell him to fuck off (only in my head of course) and I focussed on building a relationship with Giles. I haven’t really thought of Nikolaj in a while. Why now? You might wonder? Well, surprise! Hello from sunny and blue Dubrovnik! I’m now sitting on a chaise long on a terrace taking in the sun before starting shooting tomorrow. Some of us arrived early to „rehearse” = enjoy the sun in reality. Nikolaj arrived today. He’s sitting across from me as we speak, he’s texting, as usual. He was very casual when he joined the group. Like he hasn’t been an ass who dropped off the face of the world for 6 months. Not that I care! He could have not returned at all, if it were for me! Luckily we don’t have many scenes together. I’m in Croatia for a short time only I have just a few scenes with Jaime here and then I’m off to Belfast again. I’m getting a new scene partner. I met Daniel a couple of days ago and he is a very funny chap. I truly believe we’ll get on just fine. Thank God, the awkwardness of shooting with Nikolaj will be gone. I feel relieved!

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Nikolaj is the same old Nikolaj. We rehearsed today and we also recorded the commentary for the episode with the bath scene. You won’t believe it, but he wolf-whistled when the camera was on me in the bath. Such an ass, as always. So that is now there, for the whole world to listen to. So I lost my temper and said that it was such a pleasure grabbing his ass in the water. I was being sarcastic. That never happened, he just made that comment on the day and he annoyed me then just as he annoyed me with his whistle today. It was like a flood of all the hatred I felt for him washed over me all over again. And we’re back! 6 months of calm, disappeared just like that! I must say that my sarcastic comment took him by surprise. He shot me a look then... too bad there wasn’t a camera in the room.  
Tomorrow we are starting shooting. My first scene with Nikolaj is an argument between Jaime and Brienne so I’ll be stuck with Princess all day. Brace yourself diary! Tomorrow’s forecast is profanities on the horizon!

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The day went quickly. The atmosphere wasn’t that bad. Nikolaj behaved himself. He apologised when he got his lines wrong. He couldn’t focus. And I kept laughing at him. He kept touching my arm or shoulder every time he got it wrong. He didn’t used to do that before. Oh, Gwendoline, stop looking into things. Just let it go. You are now dating Giles. Nikolaj is just a colleague, an annoying one as a matter of fact.

The location is fantastic. Dubrovnik is such a wonderful place. It’s a fortress. If you come by land, you are met by the city walls, when you come in it feels like an Italian city, narrow streets with a strong medieval feel, small-town square with plenty of cafes with tables and parasols. In a way, it feels claustrophobic but if you keep walking you are met by a surprise: the beautiful blue Adriatic sea! Walking down these narrow medieval street like through a funnel and then being overwhelmed by his surprising open space at the end is just breathtaking. I must make sure I take one of the boat tours before I leave for Belfast. It will be wonderful to see the city from the sea as well.  
This evening the whole cast went to a little family restaurant on the waterfront. I had the most amazing seafood spaghetti. They even had lobster and fresh fish you can pick from a huge fish tank yourself. I found that slightly cruel and dark, but I guess from a freshness point of you, you can’t get fish fresher than that. We had such a laugh this evening. I sat at the table with Charles, Natalie, Jerome, and Sophie. Nikolaj sat with Peter, Daniel, Jack and Lena and they were making a riot as well. I wonder how come they didn’t kick us all out. It’s so good to be reunited with everyone again. To our surprise, it was quite quiet from a picture-taking point of view. I guess it hasn’t transpired we’re back shooting yet. Things might change pretty quick and we might have to start booking whole restaurants just for the cast again to avoid paparazzi. The show has really picked up momentum now. 

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Today we say goodbye to Jack. Spoiler alert! Jeoffrey died at his wedding. But that was not the most shocking part of the day. I had a scene with Lena and the dialogue struck a sore chord within me. Cersei is accusing Brianne of being in love with Jaime. It’s too close to home to not feel uncomfortable. Lena never said anything to my face but the way she looks at me it feels like she knows. I wonder whether Nikolaj has told her anything. They are very close, with Peter as well. They truly are like triplets, to be honest. Lena and I never got close and I don’t think we ever will. We are on good terms, we laugh and stuff but we never really clicked. I guess I have always felt more comfortable in the company of men rather than women. Women can be very competitive and envious, in a word, catty. I feel comfortable with men. I can joke and flirt with them and it makes me feel happy. 

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I have the weekend off so I went on the long-awaited boat trip to the islands off the coast of Dubrovnik. Most of us went, Nikolaj didn’t join us. His family was visiting. We hired a whole boat. I had the most wonderful time. I went for a swim, I had a nap in the sun, under an umbrella, of course. We had a delicious lunch of grilled fish and vegetables. They caught the fish right then, on the spot and prepared it for us while we were exploring one of the small islands. I take back that the fish in the tank at that restaurant was fresh, this one was even fresher. Oh, now I see how the other half live. I’ve been stuck in cold, rainy Ireland when some of the cast have been in Croatia and Spain. But as all good things, this will soon come to an end. I only have a week left here and then I need to take my Pod and fly back to Belfast. 

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This week has been intense. It was my last week in Dubrovnik (aka King’s Landing) and we reached the point in which Jaime makes a big gesture towards Brienne. He offers her couture: an exquisite sword, a new armour and a squire. He upgrades her. Hahaha! He’s telling her I admire you, I trust you, I respect you and l want you to be safe. He’s showing her he loves her through his actions. Their story takes an interesting turn. My story with Nikolaj remains the same. No changes whatsoever. We still argue like mad, we still laugh like mad. In our own dysfunctional way, we work well together. The tension between us is still there but I got used to it, sort of. I’m no longer fighting it. I know it’s there and it is what it is. I’m hoping it will disappear in time. These things always do. I’m still aware of where Nikolaj is at all times, like I have a special Nikolaj detector implanted in my brain, he teases me constantly and I return the favour in kind. If at the beginning, people were finding our verbal sparring entertaining, now they are starting to get annoyed by it. No one has called us out on this tension but we heard a few „Just get on with it”. I am still making a point of not spending more time with him than I have to. We went out as a whole group every single day. Because it’s so many of us, we stay in smaller groups and we stay apart, like we have an agreement, even if we never spoke about it.  
Brienne saying goodbye to Jaime was me saying goodbye to Nikolaj as well. We don’t have any more scenes together this season. I feel relieved and oddly sad at the same time. I have exciting scenes ahead. I have my journey with Daniel, a different journey than the one Brienne had with Jaime and I have my biggest swordfight yet. That is what I am really excited about. I have weeks of training scheduled for it. It’s going to be hard work but I’m all up for it. Bring it on Rory! Argggggg!!!

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Oh, Diary, I’ve been so busy. I have been filming with Daniel and practising my swordfight. I have been flying over to London more often to meet with Giles. I must say I am exhausted. Croatia feels like a distant dream. Nikolaj and I have exchanged a few texts. Nikolaj started it with a simple „How are things in rainy Westeros?”. It felt like Jaime had sent a raven to Brienne. It made me smile and envy him for being still in sunny Dubrovnik but I did reply to him. We have been texting sporadically. Nothing too deep or too often, just checking in.  
This evening Nikolaj texted me asking if I’ve already kicked Clegane’s ass like I’ve kicked Jaime’s. So I’ve sent him emoticons of a sword and bones saying May he rest in pieces! Nikolaj called me straight away after that. He has never called me before. My finger hovered over the green button for a few seconds before answering. He was laughing. It took him a few seconds to stop and then his voice turned serious. „One must love your confidence, Gwen! Now be honest, how are you?”  
„I’m good Nikolaj, how are you?”  
„Grrrrr, Gwen! Stop showing off this cool, calm, in control facade when we both know you're just like a swan... you only appear calm on the surface when underneath the water you're paddling like crazy!”  
„Oh, so now you think you are an expert in how I feel? You’re such a megalomaniac!”  
„Say all you want, direct this at me, but you don’t fool me! I know you must be a pack of nerves.”  
„Nik....”  
„Gwen, I said, I know. I spoke with Rory. He asked me tips on how to help you with the battle scene.”  
„So now, I got so bad that people around me need to stage an intervention to save me from myself???”  
„Don’t turn my words around. I never said that. Rory is actually worried you will eat him alive more than anything else. He couldn’t care less about your feelings right now. He only asked me because you and I worked so closely last season.”  
„Oh, Ok, I see”  
„Yeah, you must learn to open up, Gwen you must admit to people when you are nervous, scared, or uncomfortable otherwise they don’t know when or how to help you.”  
„But....”  
„Gwen, I didn't call you to argue with you. Just think about what I told you. Good luck and let me know how it went. Have a good night!”  
„Goodnight Nikolaj!”  
And he hung up. Never in a million years would have I expected a phone call like this from Nikolaj. It has certainly made me think. We’re off shooting tomorrow. The filming is planned to take 2 days. It’s going to be so intense I will turn in early tonight.

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„I did kick his ass. For all we know, the Hound (dog emoticon) is out of the series.” That was the text I sent Nikolaj.  
My phone rang just a second later.  
„Don’t you ever do that to me again! Don’t spoil it for me. I don’t want to know what’s happening! I want to watch it just like everyone else!”  
„Nikolaj, you’ve read the script, you know what happens!”  
„What if I only read my part? You don’t know that! Maybe I was saving that part for when I watch it on the tv!” Nikolaj says in a whiny voice.  
„We both know that is not true Nikolaj. We worked together too much last season for me to know that you always read the whole script several times. Nice try anyway!”  
„Well, I guess you were paying attention to me after all!” Nikolaj laughs. „But enough about me or you’ll call me a mega... whatever you called me last time”.  
„Megalomanic.”  
„Yep, that one!”  
„Oh, Nikolaj I think I’m getting you a dictionary for your birthday this year”  
„Ohhhh, You know when my birthday is.....”  
„Oh, stop it!”  
We were both laughing like naughty schoolchildren.  
„So? Any trips to A&E? How many bruises?”  
„None and too many to count!”  
„You surely are tongue-tied this evening! Do I have to take out my pliers to pull words out of you?”  
„ You want to know the truth? Ok! We had two days of fighting on a mountain in full armour! You know how much I loathe that bloody car! It’s so heavy and hot in it. I had the choreography all figured out in the gym but being on rough terrain and running uphill was something else. Just like you, Rory took it all method as well. He asked me to kick him for real. I pushed him for real. I used all my force the whole time. Two full days. My whole body is so sore. There isn’t any part of me that does not hurt. I discovered muscles I didn't know I had... I’m so tired I feel like crying!”  
„You know, it’s ok to cry. You don’t always have to be strong, Gwen!”  
„OK, Master Jedi!”  
„Don’t mock me, I’m trying to be supportive.”  
„I’m sorry, I’m so tense and you are right, I’m a pack of nerves. I’m turning into a Princess Monster too”  
„You’re turning into what?”  
„Oh, shoot, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m a little bit embarrassed about this but what the hell, I’ll tell you! You know when you have one of your bad moods and tell everyone off and complain about everything? Well, when you act like that, I call you Princess.”  
„Oh, wow! How charming, thanks for sharing!" Nik paused for a few seconds "Am I really that bad?”  
„Yep!”  
„Now I need to cry!”  
„What I need is a bath to soak my sore muscles in. I’ll be ok. Thank you for the call Nikolaj!”  
„Have a good rest, Gwen, talk to you soon!”

That was yesterday. I had a nice long, relaxing bath and I slept 12 hours straight. Now I feel human again, well, sort of. To be honest Diary, I quite enjoyed that conversation. I guess we are reaching friendship level. This working apart thing is helping us. I shot all my scenes for this season now and I’m flying home tomorrow. The filming for this season is not done but I finished all my parts. The next time I will see everyone will be at the Comic-Con in San Diego! I can’t wait. 

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San Diego Comic-Con 2015 – ladies bathroom. Note typed on my phone.  
I am wearing my Marilyn Munro-style dress with black and blue flowers on a white background and, black high heeled sandals. I look amazing if I might say so myself. Everyone complimented me so the whole universe has reached a consensus. I met the guys right before the panel. Nikolaj was late to get here because of a delayed flight. He made it by the skin of his teeth! Only waved hi to me as I was walking onto the stage and then was called right after me. We sat down. Pedro next to him and Rory to my left. Such a big crowd that attended our panel! It was amazing. Pedro was so excited, he could barely contain himself! He was very sweet. Nikolaj commented with him on it and then leaned towards me and whispered casually: “They're all here to see you, gorgeous!” What a flirt! I bet he only said something to Pedro just co cover up his remark to me. The thing is they caught it on camera and everyone will see his expression as well as mine when he said that. OMG! I hope Nukaka doesn’t see it. Nikolaj will be in trouble! I actually hope he gets into trouble! Why would he flirt like that? I love compliments just like any other girl, but from a married man? Not my married man? I bet he’s just messing about. Well, I’ll show him! I’ll flirt back all day just to show him who has the power! Brace yourself, Princess! You won’t know what hit you! I need to go back to them or they’ll send a searching party.

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We had a photoshoot after the panel and Nikolaj was very playful and kept cracking jokes the whole time. I have never seen him in such a good mood. Later, we were all having a drink, I saw Nikolaj standing with a glass in his hand, I leaned in towards his and whispered in his ear: “If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were flirting with me!”  
Nikolaj looked down at his drink and then slowly lifted his eyes to look into mine and said with a cheeky smile: "Do You want me to flirt with you?" To which I replied: "Who Are You and what have you done with Nikolaj Coster-Waldau?" We both started laughing and Nikolaj replied: "You've got me, I'm just an impersonator." Hahaha! We had a laugh all day! I haven't laughed so much in my whole life!


	9. Season Six

Dear Diary,

I have such mixed feelings about tomorrow. I am excited but nervous at the same time. After a long time, I’m working with Nikolaj again. I spent the whole last season in Northern Ireland and he was abroad for most of the time. The show has really taken off now. There have been so many photoshoots, interviews and more hard work. Nikolaj and I have been in touch at least once a week for the past year. We might text a few times per week but he would always call me every weekend. We’d speak for about an hour or two about how shooting had been, the crazy things fans did, where we have been, you know... everything. It’s basically an hour or two of my jaw hurting from all the laughter. I’m always looking forward to our calls. Being on set with Daniel it’s really fun, it’s so much more relaxed, it’s so easy working with him than working with Nikolaj! Those days with Nikolaj on set were excruciating, very draining. In a way, I feel grateful we had all this time apart. We didn’t have any scenes together last season so we only met at promoting events. He’s always looking for me and wants to sit next to me. Oh, Dear Lord! Are we BFFs now? The most annoying thing at these events is when people ask me where he is or how he is… Who am I? His nanny? Am I meant to know all that he’s up to? To be honest, I do know what he’s been up to, but why would they assume that I do? For all they know, we just worked together in the past, we could barely stand each other back then and now we are working separately. And it looks like now we get on. The secret is the distance and short interactions. Hahaha! We cracked this! It only took us about 3-4 years, but we managed to reach a common ground for communication. One could say if we started by loathing each other, we went past tolerating each other and now one could even say we are friends. 

If we are friends, why do I feel something churning in my stomach? And I don’t mean good butterflies, but like a kind of carnivorous flies who eat away at my stomach lining. Saying that I am anxious would be an understatement!! I am excited to see him and shoot with him again. It’s been over a year since our last scene together. I have learned so much in the meantime, I got so much better and in a way, I want to show off to him. He has taught me a lot even if I would never admit it to his face even in a million years! My life could depend on it, I don’t want to give him the satisfaction! But I do want him to be proud of me.

We have rehearsed the scene we are shooting. We ran our lines on Skype. We won’t have a proper rehearsal beforehand. The director wanted us to see each other again after all this time on camera. He thinks this way it will be realistic. We haven’t seen each other in a long time, our characters have been in different kingdoms and that was our reality as well. I guess it makes sense. It’s not a very complicated scene at all, just a dialogue, which we have rehearsed so it will be just fine. I’m not worried about the lines, I am worried about seeing him. I tried my best to focus on our friendship and put aside the fact that I felt attracted to him. I managed to compartmentalise that but what will happen when I’ll see him in full armour, in all his glory?

Oh, I missed him! Don't get me wrong! I am happy with Giles, I truly am. We are so good together, we have many common interests, compared with Nikolaj who is my exact opposite. Nikolaj and I have two settings: aggravate each other or make each other laugh, sometimes both at the same time, or seconds apart. It’s definitely exciting, fun but it is also emotionally draining and that makes me dread it. Nikolaj is looking forward to seeing me. At least that’s what he told me. He said he can’t wait to see me work, he has commented that I got better since we last worked together! Oh, he has been paying attention to my scenes! He’s been really nice. He has been flirting since San Diego, but not in an aggressive manner. He is flirting playfully and quite sweetly, to be honest. He gives me a confidence boost. It’s weird how he can relax me and make me laugh one minute and then make me angry, stress me out, make me want to kill him the next minute. Like he has two personalities. But over the phone, he is a lot milder, I could even say softer than when we work together. 

He has mellowed. Jaime has warmed up towards Brienne, and Nikolaj has warmed up towards me. Is he still following the method? I just wish he would have told me from the start he was doing that and save me some trouble. How angry he made me when we first started to work together. Unbelievable! My blood boils just remembering all that!  
I watched an interview he gave about Jaime and Brienne’s relationship and he said that they are soulmates who understand each other and that in a different world, they would be together. He thinks they are soulmates after he treated her like that? Calling her names? Nikolaj treated me like shit for a whole season and now he thinks that I will get over everything and act like best pals? I can feel my blood pressure rising!! "Niiiiiikoooooolaaaaaaj!!! Argh!!! Do you really think that a soppy interview and a few nice messages absolve you for what a jerk you were? You’re wrong, mister! You couldn’t be more wrong. And yes, we might be on better terms now but we are definitely not BFFs! I do not forgive or forget this easily! Just you wait! I’ll prove it to you tomorrow! "

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Princess showed up on set all happy and joking. Compared to the last time we shot together, this time he didn't act like an ass. Brienne and Jaime are enemies and that’s what I keep repeating to myself. Nikolaj, just like Jaime, is an asshole actually. He might act all nice now but he has been such a pain in the past and I refuse to forget all that. You can be all Mr Nice now but that will not erase all the mean, rude comments he made at the start.  
When Nikolaj saw me, he came to give me a hug and be all best friends, but I remained in character and I kept the distance. If he was playing by the method in season 3, I am all method now, in season 6. Nikolaj is my enemy. We might have reached some common ground, sort of, but that does not change the fact that we are on opposite sides.  
Jerome and Daniel have a scene set outdoors and Nikolaj and I are indoors in a tent. Bronn talks to Pod about the obvious attraction between Jaime and Brienne and I have heard Jerome making the same comment about Nikolaj and I. I wanted to shout at him: “Not that it’s any of your business but no, we’re not fucking, you asshole!” No wonder Lena can’t be in the same room with him. He’s such an ass. I wonder how come they even dated in the past! Good riddance, Lena! That’s all I’m saying! Daniel, on the other hand, was sweet, he was trying to calm the spirits. He made us take lots of pictures together and kept saying that we are all reunited like one happy family! He was excited like a puppy!

What annoys me the most in Nik’s behaviour is that when we were in a larger group, he would talk to me like we haven’t been talking over the phone and texted weekly. He acted like I was one of the guys, who he hasn’t been in touch with all this time. He was hiding our conversations. Like he hadn’t been flirting with me just a few days ago. He’s hiding our friendship and covering it up with stupid jokes and he mocks me in front of everyone else like he is ashamed that we kept in touch. He is sweeping all the texts and phone conversations under the carpet like the animals helping with cleaning in Snow White! Of course, he’s showing off this good family man façade. Like I don’t know that he’s married! "I do know that, Nikolaj! I am very aware of that!! But you can still have female friends even if you are married!! Yes, I am a flirt and I do that with everyone, that’s who I am, but it does not mean that I have sex with everyone! One can have fun flirting and not jumping into bed together!" Why would he act like this? Why would he cover-up that we kept in touch? I must admit that I might have snapped at one point in front of everyone. But he provoked me. The verbal punch was directed at him and only him and only he would have got it. And he did. I could see it on his face but even then he did not react to it. He just swallowed it and continued cracking jokes for everyone's amusement. 

Why am I so angry? Why does he provoke me? Why everything he does makes me want to slap him? I am polite and tolerant when it comes to everyone else, but with him, he has no credit left with me. I thought that after all the texting and talking over the phone, we have reached a new level of friendship instead of hatred, but when we are face to face, things are not the same. We trigger each other in real life. Over the phone, we are both I don’t know... I want to say weighing up our communication more? But that does not sound right... Are we just keen to keep in touch that we are just nicer to each other? Why are things different when we are in the same room? Is he ashamed? Is he feeling guilty? "There is nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of!! Nothing happened and nothing will!" 

Yes, I still find him attractive. He is just as good-looking as ever. You can tell he is more comfortable with short hair rather than long hair. He is clean-shaved, like I like it. That’s the indicator that Jaime is at court, he is clean and high maintenance for Cersei. Nikolaj prefers a stubble himself. But it’s nice to see him shaved.  
I wonder am I giving myself away through my behaviour? Is he aware that I am attracted to him? Is that why he is reacting like this in my vicinity? But if he didn’t want to be friends, then he wouldn’t have kept in touch all this time. He is the one who started flirting, he is the one who started calling every week. He maintained our connection. I don’t understand his behaviour. He’s acting like a teenage boy who doesn’t want his friends to make fun of him for liking a girl! Oh, shit! That might be it! It is obvious he’s trying to keep up appearances but the question is why? Is it because he is attracted to me as well? Is he trying to get some distance between us so things do not get out of hand? Is he afraid I would jump him in his trailer one of these days? " In your dreams, Nikolaj!! Ha!"  
Well, in my dreams as well, but it’s not like I’m actually going to do it...

I have been thinking about what would happen if he continues to flirt with me and if he wants to sleep with me. I had decided to refuse him in a loving manner anyway. I had in mind an answer like...  
„I am flattered that you are attracted to me. But I will have to say no. I think it is darn obvious that I am attracted to you. I think you are attractive and I think you are probably one of the most amazing and most infuriating men I have ever met. The only reason why it’s a no, it’s not because of me claiming a higher moral ground but because I would want more. Just a few hours in a hotel room it’s not enough. I can't bear the thought of spending a couple of hours of pleasure with you and you having to go back to your family. I am an all or nothing type of girl! I want it all : the amazing chemistry in bed, the kisses, the cuddles, the jokes, the teasing and even the arguments. But I don’t like to share my toys.” 

I would add on something like this...  
„I realise that I have been a tease and a flirt over the past year. No matter how much I enjoy you flirting with me, I don’t want to lead you on. I don’t want to risk damaging our friendship. Don’t get me wrong, I do find you attractive. I have even developed feelings for you. God knows why! But I have! Over the years, I learned to live with them and control them. I gave up fighting them. I have a happy life. It took me a long time to get here and I don’t want to risk losing my balance just for a few hours of sex, no matter how mind-blowing it might be! Things would be different if you were available but I accept the reality. I think we have amazing chemistry. I don't know about you but I never had that with anyone else. We have a connection and I cherish that. Maybe we can have a friendship based on attraction and acceptance. I accept that we are not meant to be together. But because of the special connection we have, maybe we can learn to go past the physicality of it and be friends. I would love to spend time with you as friends, laugh and just enjoy each other’s company. If you think you can do that, you know where to find me... if not, that’s ok as well."

Maybe I should tackle the subject with Nikolaj. Maybe we should lay it all out in the open and talk about it honestly, like adults.

Why do you think Dear Diary?  
Should I talk to Nikolaj about this?


	10. Season Seven

Dear Diary,

Yay! The cast is reunited! The dragon pit scene gathers all of the characters for the first time in GoT history! It’s been such an exciting moment! All together again! Everyone has been looking forward to this!  


It’s been a great season overall. It was nice to see that women were expected to join the fight, it was lovely to experience that Brienne, a character who conventionally is not attractive to receive attention from a man and be the recipient of obvious flirting for once. Kristofer is so funny in real life! It’s like a constant stand-up comedy show with him. He’s so spontaneous and entertaining it makes work a joy!

Nikolaj and I haven’t seen eye to eye in a while now. We fight all the time. It’s ridiculous how we can’t agree on anything these days. Even in our interviews together we just rub each other the wrong way. He tries to make jokes and push all my buttons on purpose and I had enough of this sort of childish behaviour. Luckily we haven’t worked together much this season. 

I finally got my fight scene with Maisie. I have been looking forward to it for a very long time. Not because I don’t like her but because of the technical challenges. It was so exciting to train for that fight. I’m over a foot taller than Maisie so it’s been interesting negotiating that. Rowley, the stunt coordinator has done a great job choreographing that. Every movement says something about the journeys each of us has been on. I am so grateful for my stunt double who has been amazing and made me look like I know how to fight!

In the dragon pit, it’s when Brienne sees Jaime again and they are once more on opposite sides. They exchange a few looks, no one is none the wiser about their connection, except for maybe Cersei. That’s exactly the dynamic between Nikolaj and I at the moment. We connected, sort of got along for a while, then started disagreeing and now when everyone is gathered together we pretend that we didn’t share anything and we are obviously challenging the other persons’ way of thinking.  


Our dynamic has changed. The tension between us is different. The usual playfulness is gone, the flirting is a distant memory. He was having a bad day on the day of shooting. He was in full Princess Monster mode and I kept my distance. I spent time with Kristof and Liam. Emilia, my confidant noticed the change in energy between us. We had a good catch up and I told her what has happened in the meantime and she resumed her observer role. Nikolaj had lunch with Lena that day. When he met us after lunch Emilia was teasing him about his lunch date. He was looking at me like she had overstepped a boundary doing that but she was enjoying it so much. Emilia still thinks that Nikolaj is in love with me and that he is fighting himself to stay away from me. He was in a bad mood, he was avoiding spending time with me and he kept challenging me in front of others, it’s like we travelled back in time to season 3. She thinks that he is creating mountains out of molehills on purpose to keep me at a distance. I don't necessarily agree with that. Emilia is also certain that I am in love with him. She has graduated both of us from just a crush to being in love. She says if it withstands the mark of time and distance, it's love! I didn't go as far as admitting that but I was honest and told her that I was jealous when he had lunch with Lena. I wished I got to spend some time with him. I haven't spent time with him in ages! But I wanted the Nikolaj from the phone calls and not the Princess. Lena can have the Princess. Haha!

It is weird how now Nikolaj and I have these conversations by looking at each other, no words required. He just stares at me, and I stare back and we say to each other all the things we don't dare to articulate. It’s like he knows I feel attracted to him and I know he feels attracted to me. It’s a deep secret we share in our hearts and did not put out into this world, it only exists in our hearts and our eyes only communicate it. Only our eyes know all the secrets, they have said everything that could be said on that matter. Our eyes know everything, there is no pretend between them. We know the truth and we are hiding it from the rest of the world. We share this understanding but we argue about everything else.

I was considering talking about this with Nikolaj, but I decided against it in the end. There is no need. I know he knows how I feel and I know how he feels. There is nothing new we can say to each other. We know, deep down and there is no need to say it out in the open. Speaking about it might ruin it. There is no need to talk about it, that would make it real, that would make us feel guilty because it’s wrong. I will keep my silence. We are nearly done now. It will all be over soon. Next season is the last one. I am looking forward to this to finish but I am also sad in a way. I will miss everyone, including this annoying man. 

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I was in Canada with Giles and it was 4 am when I received the email that the script was out. I had been counting the hours until I got to read them. I read the script all the way through without stopping. I paced the room, I needed to stop halfway through and take a long walk just to process my emotions. It was an emotional rollercoaster just reading it. I was upset and it took me a long time to digest everything. I wonder how it will be shooting my part. I haven't told Giles how it ends and the poor thing he had to witness how distraught I was without getting all the context. He was so sweet trying to comfort me without asking for details. I’ve said before I am a vault and he understands and respects that I can't tell him anything. After it will be all aired, I will feel so relieved not having to keep the secrecy anymore. The fans will be furious about this season and some may even need therapy. I might need therapy as well! I’m heartbroken. I guess I should be grateful I am still in it and that I wasn’t killed off-screen and that I am even in the last episode. Nikolaj didn't get even that! What they did to Brienne and Jaime’s relationship is just outrageous! Jaime’s arc is absolutely ruined and I can’t stop crying. Nikolaj is furious. He called me shortly after we received the script. He started reading it as soon as we received it, just like I did. He has been counting the hours until they sent it, just like everyone else. The group chat has exploded too. Sleeping beauty is awake. Everyone is shocked. We were expecting something tragic, it is that sort of show, but we did not expect anything like this. It will take everyone by surprise. They certainly managed to do that but they did not do justice to the characters. The long term fans will be furious! 

The funniest thing is that I did guess the ending. I did say in one of the interviews that I thought Bran will be the king. Well done me! Nikolaj said that there will no longer be an iron throne so he was sort of right as well. But my guess was more accurate!

Working with Nikolaj again and being intimate with him will reach my heart on a deeper level and I need to try to protect myself from the hurt. Just reading the script has crippled me. I cried so much and I was inconsolable. The hard part is that I cannot tell anyone outside the GoT world about it. The non-disclosure agreements have become even more draconic than ever! The person I need to turn to for support is Nikolaj but this is duplicitous because he is the one who will hurt me, and he is the only one I can get support from. I’ll be lucky if I don’t end up on anti-depressants after all this. Let’s say it will be character-building.

Nikolaj has called me several times since that moment. We are getting closer again. We are both angry and heartbroken and the tragic experience has brought us together again. The whole cast has suddenly become closer. Like in any adverse conditions, people come together for support. If we thought we were a close-knit community, you should see us now. It’s quite beautiful really. I can’t wait for the table read just to see everyone and hug them all. Kit will definitely cry at the table read. He never reads the script in advance so he will hear it for the first time then. Poor little soul!  


Well, at least I have Star Wars. It’s a dream come true being part of that project, and twice, it’s fantastic!  
Even if Game of Thrones will be over soon, and even if D&D broke my heart, I will always be grateful for this launch platform. Brienne of Tarth brought me my Commander Lyme and my Captain Phasma. And I am 100% certain more film roles, maybe series, maybe one-off parts, theatre too will follow. I am confident in what lies ahead.

This will also be the end of my crush on Nikolaj. I am looking forward to that. I am dreading next season because I will have to work very closely with him again. We will have many scenes together. We will get to fight by each other’s side for once, instead of against each other. Jaime knights Brienne, makes love to her and leaves her. It’s a long time from now but that goodbye scene is already hurting me. It will be devastating. I need to mentally prepare for it or I won’t come out sane on the other side of it. Oh, and the kiss, why did they had to put a kiss scene in? Thank God, they skip the sex part but they might as well have let the kiss be off-scene as well. Kissing Nikolaj is the last thing I need! It will be so hard to dissociate from my own feelings right then but I guess it will help the scene and our chemistry on screen that we are both attracted to each other. Brienne has been secretly crushing over Jaime and never even dared to dream it will come true and she will be surprised, shy but definitely up for it. Our fans have been fantasising about this from day one. To be honest, looking at our previous scenes together, the tension is tangible, I see what they mean. They just don’t know that the chemistry comes from anger just as much as it comes from pent-up sexual tension. If I thought the bath scene would be hard, that will be nothing compared to this! I remember how I freaked out about it. That was the first time when I texted Nikolaj and I asked him for advice. He was more than happy to support me and reassure me. Our relationship was been so fluid since. There were times when we were on good terms and there have been plenty of times when I could have killed him. Nina has done a great job casting us. Our dynamic as people is reflected perfectly in the dynamic between Brienne and Jaime. I do find Nikolaj infuriating and I have aged 30 years in the past 7years because of him but I do see how that comes across on screen and leaving all modesty aside, it’s absolutely perfect. The past 7 years have been a mix of feelings, covering all possible emotional ranges. An emotional rainbow! I haven’t necessarily enjoyed the lower extremities, who would honestly enjoy that? I’m not a masochist to enjoy sheer pain. I feel that I have developed as a person. I got this wonderful opportunity to explore my feelings and who I am during this time. It has been a professional mastery and self-discovery journey and I am humbled by it and feel deeply grateful. These years have been so intense and most people will never experience anything this intense in their whole lives. I was truly blessed by such an experience! 

Dear Diary, I feel troubled times ahead!


	11. Season Eight

Dear Diary,

This is the end... 

This season had pushed us all to our limits. Even if it’s not what we all wanted, it is the biggest of all seasons and it pulls at all the stops. We are working on a much bigger scale. Each episode is like a whole movie in itself. GoT is such an epic project and it has a massive fan base. It has become a communal experience and people are united across the globe watching it. We are all painfully aware of the high stakes and the whole cast and crew have worked very hard these past few months. Our performances are powerful and we gave it our best shot every single second of it. We just don’t want to disappoint. And disappoint we will! But only from a story point of view and not from an execution perspective. I’m not saying that’s it all flawless but that we all gave it 110%.  


Brienne has a few good moments. She defends Jaime in front of Sansa, Daenerys, and Jon. It’s like – only I can tell him off and potentially kill him, no one else gets to do that. It has that sort of feeling. We don’t get on, I hate him, but I will risk my life for him. Their signature love to hate, hate to love dynamic, at it's best!  


There is that cute scene in which she challenges him that he never said anything nice to her since they met. Very suspicious, indeed! That rings true in real life as well for my real-life experience with Nikolaj in season 3. I had no trouble in acting that scene I had first-hand experience of exactly that!  


Tormund continues to court Brienne in his very obvious and crass way. She’s still not interested. But he is the one who sparks the thought of why women can’t be knights? He’s brilliant at least for that progressive thinking. 

Talking about being brilliant, Nikolaj gave the performance of his life in the knighting scene. He was so into the zone during shooting it was unbelievable! It was wonderful to be part of that! That is by far my most favourite scene with Nikolaj. I’ve seen it on camera after we shot it and if that isn’t a declaration of love, I don’t know what is! People will love it! But it’s sad because it sets them up for certain heartbreak later.  


Filming the battle scenes took weeks of night work and we ended up like zombies in the end. We were all like the undead by the end of it. We all had enough of it and just wanted it all to end. It was modern slavery and torture. I never want to go through anything like that ever again! 

The kissing scene was awkward. If I thought the bath scene was torture, this was 1000 times worse. It’s a lot shorter but just as intense. You could cut the tension in the room with a knife. Nikolaj, David and I spoke about it in-depth and had a battle plan for it. What Nikolaj and I decided was not to practice the kissing until it had to be done on set. Like that, it would have been genuinely new, that was the excuse, but we both knew that the real reason was so that things would not get out of hand. We agreed on that without actually talking about it. We both just knew that was how things needed to be. It was awkward filming it because of all the pent-up sexual tension between us and we needed that awkwardness. We needed to be surrounded by people so we wouldn't get carried away in the moment. We knew for sure that we wouldn’t have stopped at a kiss and that it was for the best that we didn’t do it in private. I still got so embarrassed about it. I blush every time someone mentions it. Nikolaj dealt with it a lot better than I did. He has been able to act like it's not a big deal. But I’ve been a beetroot shade of red for days before and after it.  


The kiss itself was chaste, rushed, nothing special as kissing goes but it was loaded with meaning and tension. That kiss is a testimony of Brienne and Jaime's journey towards that intimate moment.  
I have certainly fantasised about this scene. Maybe before this season I never dared to truly allow myself to daydream about kissing Nikolaj but since the script came out, I have thought about it every day. At first, I thought about what it would be like if it were a real-life kiss between Nikolaj and I. I must admit it took me several weeks but I realised I can't torture myself like that and I started dissecting the scene and the potential ways of doing this. I focussed on the technical aspects and what would look good, what would give the fans something to hold on to, what would make some justice to the story of Brienne with Jaime. I think the way it turned out it looks plausible. I am certain this is how it would have happened. I am pleased that the writers gave Brienne the power to make the decision. She made the choice to be intimate with Jaime and she took charge at the beginning. It was her choice, she was empowered. Good for you, Ser! I wouldn't have had it any other way!

I also like that she has the opportunity to display her vulnerability in the scene when Jaime leaves her. Brienne might be a Ser, a strong, independent woman but she is still a woman in love, a woman who is being hurt by a man. 

I hate Nikolaj that he didn’t tell me that he was instructed to tell me he didn’t love me anymore just to make me cry in that awful scene. My feelings were manipulated and I felt used and the abandonment hurt, even more, it struck me to my core. I still have not come to terms that he did that to me. Yes, he did stroke my fingers with his thumb to reassure me just before he delivered that off-script line but that did not make things any better. He might have hugged me and reassured me after David called it a wrap, but that was too little, too late. He is just another man who broke a woman’s heart. David was cruel and so was Nikolaj in joining in and not warning me. I bet that a woman director would not have used such a low blow. I hate them both for this and I will never forgive Nikolaj for betraying me like this!

D&D have redeemed themselves with the scene of Brienne writing in the book about Jaime’s actions and in a way it’s her declaration of love to him just like the knighting scene is his declaration of love to her. Ramin, the composer was on set and he played for us the music he wrote for this scene. It’s such a lovely melody and what impressed me the most is that it has the GoT wedding theme in it. It made me cry. It’s his way of telling the audience how this love story should have ended.

The final scene with the council couldn't be more insignificant. No one will pay attention to it anyway. Everyone will be in shock and too overwhelmed by it all to engage with whatever goes on there.

Nikolaj has made me angry for innumerable reasons over the years but right now I am mad at him because if initially has been angry with the ending, he then became evasive in showing his true feelings and even morphed into a supporter of the ending. He wants to show that he came to terms with the ending and that he wouldn’t change anything when that is not the truth. If there is something I hate in people is hypocrisy and at the time being Nikolaj is the definition of that. It makes me sick! I am so disappointed with you, Nikolaj!! I understand that we can’t change the ending, that we have to accept it, but it’s disloyal to our fans to say, that we are happy with it. As a fan of the show, I hated the ending, they butchered Jaime’s arc and I feel heartbroken by it even more than I feel heartbroken by Jaime leaving Brienne!

My last day on set I felt devastated. On that day I thought I would be OK. I was feeling OK but in the end, I got overwhelmed by all the emotions. I cried and cried and could not stop. When I thought I was done, a new wave would wash over me. It wasn’t just because of the scene, it was because of saying goodbye to Brienne, saying goodbye to the team and to this part of my life. Even Nikolaj cried on his last day on set, well, few know that he actually teared up on my last day as well. Everyone has been emotional on their last day. We actually had weeks of saying goodbye to people. In some ways, we got used to this early in the show as the trademark of the show is killing the main characters. The few of us who lasted until the end we were emotional for saying goodbye to all the people we shared thousands of memories, adventures, laughs and cries with. We said goodbye to our family for the decade. I do know we’ll see each other again but it will all be different. 

It’s sad to say goodbye to Brienne. I’ve spent over eight years in her company and even if we are so different in essence, we also have a lot in common and I don’t mean only a crush with an insufferable man. I admire her. She is an impersonation of what would have been a medieval feminist. A humble, noble, loyal and just person who is really good at what she does. Someone who gives it all and protects people. She is the definition of what a knight should be. She challenges society’s standards and reaches unprecedented heights. If I lived in medieval times, I wish I could be like her and if she existed in real life I would have loved to meet her. Saying goodbye to her is like saying goodbye to a best friend but in a way, I know that she will never leave me. I will keep her as a moral compass. WWBD (What would Brienne do). Haha! 

I have been in touch with Nikolaj after the end of the show. We had some interviews scheduled and the Emmys. Diary, I got nominated!!! Nikolaj as well. He says he won’t win because Peter is nominated in the same category so he has no chance. He doesn’t really care about these things. But I’m so excited about my nomination! I self-submitted for it. Nikolaj encouraged me to do it. And I wanted to do it in honour of Brienne and what she stands for even in our modern society. Also in honour of Brienne and Jaime, this time, I prepared a surprise for our fans and came to the Emmys in what would have been Brienne’s wedding dress. The dress displayed Lannister and Tarth symbols and Nikolaj got dressed in a gold suit jacket to match. The dress had the desired effect. The hardcore fans got the message and people thought I looked like in a drawing of Jesus. The whole day was like an out of body experience. I’m glad I had Giles with me to ground me. Nikolaj came with Nukaka and of course, he swapped seats so he could sit next to me. He never learns! Giles doesn’t mind, but Nukaka didn’t look too impressed. He even turned towards me first when they announced the GoT win! Silly man, he should have turned towards his wife, not me!! I tried my best to avoid him and he kept looking around for me. Oh, the gossip after this! I think I’ll need to lay low for weeks after this! It’s quite selfish Nikolaj! It’s not only your image that gets dragged into this, but also mine! Your rash actions affect both of us and our partners as well. You never think of the consequences!

I might feel sad it’s all over and I might miss some things but I will also not miss lots of things. I won’t miss the long work hours, the sleepless nights, the heavy armour I had to wear for most of my scenes, I won't miss the blisters, the bruises, the gossip and intrusion of my private life. I won’t miss Nik’s tyrannic traits, all the arguments with him, his impulsivity. I won’t miss The Princess, I won’t miss the constant feeling of walking on eggshells around him.  


I will miss the team. I will miss the friends I’ve made. I will miss the camaraderie, the learning and challenges. I will miss Nikolaj’s laughter and jokes. I will miss his eyes and smile. I will miss the potential.  


There were times when I really wanted it all to finish, when it was just too much, but now I regret we reached the end. I don’t want to let go. I’m excited about the future. I have a few other projects lined up, like the Midsummer Night’s Dream immersive play but also I am scared. What if I already peaked? What if this will be the most I will ever accomplish? What if I will never live something as special as this? I don’t want to be an old maid in my 80s driving everyone in the nursing home mad repeating the same GoT stories over and over again. I’d probably tell everyone about that handsome Dane on whom I had a crush on. I will talk about the time when I was swinging a sword around and wearing an armour like a car. I will talk about the terrible coffee and that one time a Starbucks cup was left on the table and got on tape. I will certainly talk about the rage of the fans when season 8, episode 4 was first streamed and of the disappointment that followed with the next four episodes...

I hope I will be able to top that with future projects but even if I don’t I certainly have interesting stories to tell in my old age. Not too bad, Dear Diary, not too bad! I just need to mend my broken heart right now!


	12. The Last Interviews

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an audio diary

Gwendoline feels emotional on her last time she would give an interview with Nikolaj so she decides to do something she has never done. She wanted to immortalise her last interviews with Nikolaj so she keeps her handbag within reach and before they start their interviews she presses the record button on her phone. 

She answers the questions sincerely and weighs up her words carefully like she always does in these situations. Nikolaj on the other hand, is fidgety and gets into her personal space and looks at her that way that makes her melt and makes people start rumours about a potential affair and all that annoys her terribly. Gwendoline’s phone keeps recording. 

After the last interviewer leaves, Gwendoline explodes.  
„How many times do I have to tell you? STOP LEANING! And then you’re wondering why people talk about us!”  
„It’s not my fault they put the chairs so close to each other!” Nikolaj states as a matter of fact. Gwendoline throws him one of her go-to-hell looks...  
„Oh, come on, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about! It’s me, remember? We’ve been a lot closer than this in our scenes!”  
„Nikolaj, I’m warning you! I’m not in the mood for your innuendos!” Gwendoline cuts him off.  
The smile fades from Nik’s lips. „I give up, I really do! May I remind you that last time we were interviewed you were annoyed with me because I was making jokes when you were emotional about the show ending? I was just trying to lighten the mood. But you took it the wrong way, as always!”  
Gwen opened her mouth to say something but Nikolaj interrupts her. He looks full-on angry now.  
„No, Gwen, let me finish. You never let me finish what I want to say. Just for once in eight years, let me finish!”  
„You know, this time around I thought I would be nice, I would compliment you, and be genuine about how I felt about you and working with you. Yes, I made jokes but I was telling the truth. I look at you with the admiration that I have for you! I look at you with pride, because yes, I know you hate it when I say it but, yes, I am proud of you! I look at you like that because I know just how much I will miss you. I wanted to give you a nice memory, at last, after all the arguments we had over the years, I wanted to be nice. But what do you do? You get annoyed at me because I was being nice. When I am trying to keep the distance, you tell me off, when I am trying to get closer, you tell me off. I can never win! I don’t know what to do anymore! I don’t know why I even bother!”  
„Nik, I’m sorry!”  
„Oh, great, like I want your apology! Miss Christie, always so polite and proper. Better tell me what do you want, Gwendoline? What Do You Want From Me? Huh? Tell me!”  
„Wwwwwhat I want... I don’t know what I want! What I really want, cannot happen.”  
„I will ask you again. Tell me what you want, Gwendoline.”  
„Why does it have to be me who says it? You know very well what I am about to say.”  
„I will ask you one last time Tell me what you want, Gwendoline. I am losing my patience and I will not ask you again!”  
Gwendoline has never seen this side of Nikolaj before. She has seen him grumpy, whining, angry, tyrannic, but never to this degree. His voice is not raised, it’s even-toned, monotone even. His eyes are not leaving her eyes. They are burning holes into her. She could usually read him easily but she couldn’t really read him at this moment. In her head, she names that look and that mood „the no-nonsense Nikolaj”. She likes it. She swallows hard, licks her lips and in that instant decides to state the obvious, once and for all. She never had to guts to say it before, she had thought about it over and over and over again. But had always chickened out. „There goes nothing,” Gwendoline said in her head and voiced „I love you and I know you love me too”. Gwendoline paused. Nikolaj did not react. His face remained the same. He did not smile as she had expected. She thought he would make a crude joke or that he’ll say he loved her too. She did not expect no reaction from him so she paused.  
Seeing that she was not going to say anything else... Nikolaj speaks: „That was not the question. I asked you What... Do... You... Want?” Same monotone voice, same look, same no malarkey allowed attitude.  
„I.....I.....I.....I want... I want to give us a chance.” Gwendoline says in the most quiet voice, not daring to look at him. „Deep down I want to give us a chance but I know that we can’t, we shouldn’t and we won’t.” Gwendoline picks up her Brienne inspired courage and voices in a louder, clear voice. She is looking Nikolaj in his eyes.  
„It only took 3 tries but we finally got there! Now, that wasn’t that hard, was it?” He sounds like a dad telling off his daughter, Gwendoline quantified his answers quickly.  
„I love you Gwendoline. And yes, in an ideal world, we would explore our chemistry but in reality we can’t. Never forget this Gwen, I love you and I always will!” Nikolaj takes her hand and places a kiss on her fingertips.  
„Do you think we can remain friends after this?”Gwendoline asks hesitantly.  
„Try to prevent me from being your friend! I’ll fight you till the end! I'll die fighting for you!” he says with a chuckle and pulls Gwendoline in an embrace. They stay like that what seems forever before Nikolaj breaks the silence „How about we match our outfits for the Emmys?”  
„You’ve read my mind! I have a great idea. I want to make it like a wedding dress overloaded with Lannister and Tarth symbols. The fans will go mad and we’ll say fuck you D&D! We all know where the story should have gone!”  
„Oh, I love it! What shall I wear? You know I’m terrible at these things!” Nikolaj asks sincerely.  
„Hmm, as a Lannister groom, Jaime would probably wear gold! Are you down for something like that?”  
„To be honest I don’t really care at this stage. I would wear a Tshirt with Jaime heart Brienne 4eva if it would piss off D&D!”  
Gwendoline roars in laughter. „That would be a sight to behold but maybe not for the Emmys! Maybe you can find another way to rebel against them...”  
„Maybe I could eat ice cream on stage!” Nikolaj throws his head back in laughter.  
Gwendoline joins him and after she catches her breath she stops and sighs „You’ll hate to promise you’ll behave and try to keep your distance. Let’s not spark more rumours this time around.”  
„Like that is going to happen! All I can promise is that I’ll try my best!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and for all your encouragement and support!


End file.
